Isaiah Joseph,

Today was difficult. I can recall what started it, but don’t know why.

I had therapy today and talked about how I’m worrying about leaving the island and leaving you. She told me that we should have a type of “ceremony” for you. She suggested to go to your favorite beach, talk about memories with you, and put a lei in the ocean for you before we leave. Don’t worry though, we will take the flowers off the string and just put those in the ocean. We will make sure the string gets properly thrown away to keep all the sea creatures safe. I thought that was a wonderful idea and plan on doing it with your siblings at both Bellows and Ko Olina (our usual lagoon of course). I thought maybe we could even bring a pizza to the beach and have a picnic with your favorite food while we talked about you.

I also know your siblings will want to go in the ocean, too. They can go in after we eat. They’ve been complaining about how we go to the same beach every single time. It is true, we usually go to Mokuleia or Aweoweo because they’re so close and usually quiet. They’ve asked lot to go to both Bellows and Ko Olina. I’m pretty positive I’m going to do Bellows first. Going back to Ko Olina, although not the same lagoon, is going to be more complicated for me emotionally. I do think they need to go back to those beaches. If we go back and properly remember you at those places, I’m hoping to leave each beach at peace.

I found some moving boxes today. They were all folded up inside a big box and easy to transport. However, I underestimated the weight of it and my ability to get it home. It was too big and awkward to carry it myself, so I did the next best thing and grabbed the sides, dragged it through the neighborhood, and left it on our front porch. Want to know what I thought while I was doing it? I kept thinking “Isaiah would be so helpful to me right now”. You were going to become my “man of the house” and I was counting on your future height and strength.

I broke down tonight and just sat in the garage and cried. I kept telling myself that, “Isaiah would have the perfect thing to say to me right now”. I was so lost that I scheduled another therapy appointment for tomorrow morning and left Miss Mandy a two minute babbling and crying message.

I just miss you so much. My “strength” gets confusing. Some days I think I’ve come a long way in trying to navigate this mess. Other days I just breakdown and sob the entire day over everything. Your strength is helping me through this. Your strength is what’s giving me the strength to make sure I’m there for your siblings. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.