My handsome boy,

Today was a little better. I managed to completely put the living room together and one room out of the house is “done”. I say “done”, but I still need to find the matching curtains from our other houses, take some hooks out of the wall, and hang up a shelf with our leis.

I’ve reached out a little more the last two days and it’s helped. Aunt Sarah called me yesterday and I just lost it. I called Aunt Nae Nae tonight when I started missing you and talked to her for a while. A lot of the time, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m just so sad and so angry that I just talk in the same circles.

I reached out to Gabby today, too. For whatever reason, I’m getting on myself for wanting and needing to set your room up here. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that it’s what I want and need to do, but worry that I “shouldn’t” be doing it. Gabby reminded me that ten months, although it feels like a lifetime, is still fresh. I still just lost you and I’m allowed to have your room here.

I have my intake call tomorrow with the Caring Place. Third times a charm! I even set a reminder tomorrow to make sure I remember. I can’t miss it. I need to find our grief supports again.

I was saying goodnight to Ellie tonight and Elijah asked why we touched heads all the time. I explained to him again how it started because you always wanted a hug and kiss goodnight when you were already on the top bunk. We could do the kiss, but the hug was difficult so you started having us just touch our heads together for a hug.

We finished your Christmas gift today, the Lego Minecraft crafting table. I shouldn’t say “we”. It was mostly just Elijah and Lucas managed to make two of the biomes. I kept trying to help yesterday, but Elijah really had a difficult time letting me. I eventually just gave up yesterday, but got to do a little today. Elijah gets ahead of himself on the directions sometimes and just skips random steps. I got the exciting job of going back through the build and trying to figure out where any mistakes were. It’s finished though and on the ladder shelf next to your soccer picture.

I love you more than anything, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.