My baby,

I’m currently mad at the world, there’s no other way to describe it. I’m mad at what life handed me and how it handed me such crazy blows so close together. I just want to go off on someone, but have nobody to do that to. Nobody deserves to deal with an angry rant when they aren’t responsible for any of it.

That night I locked myself in my bathroom and cried on the floor, I saw you differently. The chaos that was surrounding life at that time couldn’t be escaped. I just broke down in my bathroom and locked the door. Because you’re Isaiah and your main goal was to always find a way to do something, you unlocked the door and turned the light on. You and Ellie just looked at me and you gave me some tissues. You gave me a look that just aged you so much. Like a little bit of “the world is sunshine and rainbows” and innocence was gone.

You were going to be my “man of the house” and “protector”. I oddly think of you each time I’m rolling the garbage can to the street. You were already such a caring child, you were going to grow up into such an amazing man.

It’s difficult raising kids. You spend all this time trying to give them experiences and help shape them to have open minds, but society tells them otherwise. You weren’t afraid to cry. You cried when you were sad. You cried when you were hurt. You cried when you were angry, you never hid it. You were unapologetically yourself and were so accepting of everyone. You were the one to speak up for the kids being singled out and told they couldn’t play soccer. You were the one purposely including people when other people told everyone to exclude them.

I feel like a lot of my “what ifs” happen on days that I’m angry at the situation. Those are the times I really focus on all the things you didn’t get to do, rather than all the great things you did with your little time on Earth.

I’m sorry that I’m mad and angry. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sitting in any of the feelings that I’m currently sitting in. Sometimes I just have a few choice words I want to scream at the top of my lungs to the world.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.