Baby boy,

On his way to Pre-K this morning, Elijah randomly said that he forgot how our van doors opened. It’s been over a month without our van, but I thought he’d still remember the buttons. As I was reminding him how the doors opened, he said, “I can’t remember what Isaiah’s voice sounds like”. That cut deep. There’s so many things I still want to do for them, but I haven’t done it yet. I want to make the videos readily available to them on our tv and I want to randomly record them answering the most random questions about you (favorite memories, jokes you told, games you played). I know as time goes by that they are going to forget a lot of things, I will try and get on it.

Elijah was going through the pictures and videos on my phone tonight and started to watch the one from our final time with you, the walk down to the OR. Lucas watched it a lot the few months after, but I haven’t seen it in a while. I always watched it when he did, but tonight I didn’t want to. As soon as he put it on, I apparently made a face because both boys asked me what was wrong. I need to keep my faces to myself, but I didn’t tell them I didn’t want to see the video tonight. Those were my last moments with you and watching your siblings say “goodbye” to you was absolutely heart wrenching.

Ellie physically wrote you a note last night, so I’m going to put a picture of it up for you to read. I made sure I told her that she was great sister and although you guys argued a lot, you loved her so much.

I wish I had just one more minute with you. I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.