My handsome boy,

Hi, sweetie. Another day without you has passed. Another day without seeing your smile.

Elijah got a Mario Lego set at the store today. Remember how you got that first Mario set and there were no directions in it? You had to use my phone to go on and find them that way. I’m happy to tell you that they now include the directions. Elijah completed the whole set and talked about how you and him both love Legos. I think Elijah likes when I point out things that he has that are similar to you. He’s still his own person, though, and he’s pretty great.

Lucas had another birthday party tonight. It was at the trampoline park that we went with Gma and Pap before we moved to Hawaii. Remember the one where Elijah got a bloody nose and Pap won him a horse out of the crane machine? That’s the one we were at. Ellie and Elijah came again because they had no choice.

I remember playing dodge ball with you guys a few times. I always thought it was funny that I got to throw things at you and it wasn’t frowned upon. You were always “ducking” and “dodging”.

I had therapy today and talked to her about how I was struggling writing my prompts for my teaching application. I told her I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but my brain was mush and I couldn’t seem to get it done. She had a brilliant idea, one that I probably should have thought of myself, to write to you about why I would be a good teacher and go from there. I already write to you every day and it’s easier for me to just type and “talk” to you than attempt to write a paper. I’m going to try and get to it tomorrow.

I also talked about how I was still struggling with regrets I had with you. I told her that although I spent all of my last Mother’s Day with you, I know I was preoccupied in my mind with the events that happened the night before. I’m mad at myself for wasting my mental energy on that other stuff instead of soaking in every second with you guys.

I don’t know how to not have regrets after losing you. I feel guilty for every second I spent running, the times I was working, even the times when I said that I just needed a break from being a mom for a few hours. Being a mom is a draining job and there were four of you in five years. Combine that with not being near any support and daddy leaving for months at a time, it was a lot. I wish I could have known what was to come and maybe I would have stressed less about the pointless things. I would have decided to go out for ice cream instead of worrying about cleaning the house. I spent my time thinking I was failing at being a mom because I didn’t have every aspect of my life flawless. One thing not in line meant I was failing.

Obviously I now realize how stupid all of that was and how pointless. I’m trying to be a little more of a carefree mom now, we stopped for ice cream on the way home from the trampoline park.

I live each day regretting all the things I didn’t get to say to you, but live each day so thankful that I got that eight years with you.

I’m making notes with your siblings on some of the things your past teachers have done that you guys loved. Maybe you could visit me in a dream? If not, I can bug both Mrs. Holmes and Ms. Gordon and see what they say. I want to be that amazing teacher that makes their kids feel like they’re part of something while away from home.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.