Baby boy,
Baby boy,
I am supposed to be writing my prompts for my teaching application right now, but instead here I am. I would rather talk to you than sit here and try and figure out how to sell myself to get a job. In all honesty, I haven’t had to write an essay since grad school in 2009 so I’m making it a lot more difficult than it should be.
I miss you this morning. I know I always miss you, but there’s just a sadness today that has no explanation. Nothing set me off, but I’m sitting here with tears falling from my eyes.
I haven’t figured out what to do yet on the year marker. I am thinking I want to include something that is giving back to other people or the community. Who you were to your core was the caring boy who just wanted to help other people and make others happy.
My first Mother’s Day without you will be here in a few days. Last year, it was just all four of you and I hanging out together. We went to Dog Beach on Hickam with Madalynn, Elenore, and their mom. You guys spent a lot of time trying to catch little fish in your buckets. I’m thankful we had that day. For dinner, I just went to the commissary, and we got the easiest things, frozen pizza, sushi, and Luchables for dinner and then we watched a movie of my choice.
There were a lot of things going on in the background of my mind that day. Things happened the night before, but you four were there for me and to love me. You had no idea at the time, but I am so incredibly thankful for my babies. If it weren’t for you guys, I don’t think I would have made it through everything that happened and transpired in my life over this time. I wish I had appreciated it more at the time, but instead I was stuck on proving to myself that I was worth something and didn’t take the time to really soak in all the times with you guys.
We did a ton of things and spent a ton of time together through your few years on this Earth. I got extra time with you because of Covid, I got extra time because I chose not to start you in kindergarten until you turned six, and I had a lot more time because I chose to homeschool you our first year and a half in Hawaii. I can look back now and be so thankful and show gratitude for all of those things, but at the time I was always in my head about failing as a mother.
I wrote that earlier part this morning, it is now evening. The day didn’t get any better and I had no explanation or trigger for anything. Everyone gets to stay up later tonight because daddy’s change of command ceremony is today. Remember the ceremony back in October of 2023 when daddy took command? You guys all looked so amazing. As with most of daddy’s Army events, you guys were bored and wanted them to end quicker than they were. I swear you started to fall asleep during that one while we were waiting for it to start. Your favorite part was when you guys got the candy leis, and it had the sour ooze in it. Tonight, daddy hands over command and his time is done. I’m sure you’ll be watching him and cheering him on.
We got very lucky with where daddy worked and who he worked with. Everyone in his company and battalion were so essential to our healing, especially right after you passed. They fought parking tickets on our van, rode our families and friends to and from the hospital, helped plan, set up, and clean up after your Celebration of Life, cleaned the house, brought food, and even got attacked by Apollo for us. In Apollo’s defense, he was trying to protect our home since nobody was home. In daddy’s thirteen years in the Army, we had never had such a community come together like that for us. I was and still am so grateful for everything they did for us.
I still don’t think everything happens for a reason, but I do believe we were meant to be where we were and surrounded by the people we were when we lost you. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day. I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Watch over us because I’m struggling. Goodnight and sweet dreams.
Elijah wants to say, “Isaiah, I am so sorry you died. Well when I die we can do all the favorite things we did when you were alive. I love you Isaiah, well I’m going to go back and watch tv, okay?”