My Isaiah Joseph,

You’d be proud of me, but still questioning why I was doing it. I bought some more flowers and got them all planted out in the yard tonight. I know you’re still just saying I’m going to kill them, but I’m determined to keep them alive. We got an azalea bush and Ellie got excited that it sounded like your name. Because of this, we got the red one and are calling it “Isaiah’s azalea”.

The basement/playroom is finally functional since I got the extra furniture out. Elijah and I actually went down and played Rudy for the first time here in Pennsylvania. Elijah and I talked about how you guys created the game. I liked getting that special thing back in this house. It’s like we are slowly getting some of the things from the “old life” back.

During therapy the other day, my therapist asked me what I do for myself. I discovered that most of the things I do for myself are actually just for your siblings. The things that bring me the most fulfillment in my life right now are the times I’m able to address your loss with your siblings. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, but she gave me a non-judgmental therapist look after we talked about it. I’m sorry, but it makes me feel good when I know your siblings are facing your loss and learning how to navigate through it all.

Sometimes it seems like your voice is slipping away. It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice that I start to question how it really sounded. I know I have videos, but it’s not the same. Plus, it’s difficult to sit and watch those videos a lot of the time.

My brain is still mush, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.