My sweet boy,

Something odd happened today, it’s actually the second time it has happened in the last two weeks. I’m pretty sure I forgot to tell you about the first time. If I didn’t, act like the whole concept is new and humor me.

I was at the park with Elijah today before he had to go to school. I was pushing him on the swing and then suddenly I had this “memory” of you being at this park with us. The thing is, you were never at this park. It’s like it was a memory, but never happened? Does that even make sense to you?

At that moment, I looked over at the swing next to Elijah and thought “what if this sudden thought means that Isaiah is right here with us, now?”. Is that what it means to “feel someone”? If it was you, your love is still so powerful that it comes right through. If it wasn’t, I might still just say that it was.

In therapy the other day, I told my therapist how I missed the Let Grace In ohana and I didn’t see anything here in Pittsburgh for bereaved parents. I told her I wanted to reach out to a local Facebook group to see if there were any bereaved parents who might want to talk and get together at some point. I miss the connection with other people who understand the absolute nightmare I’m living in every day. It’s inspiring to see what other parents have done and programs they’ve put into place for the child they’ve lost. It just gives me some hope when I see other parents who have made it longer in their journey, seeing they didn’t eventually get too tired and just give up. It gives me hope for my future.

I told my therapist that it seemed like a real Debbie Downer thing to do and I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. She told me I was making up things in my head and if I thought connecting with people that have lost kids would help me, why wouldn’t I do it? When she said it like that, it seemed like such a simple thing. Why wouldn’t I do it if it would help me? Who cares if someone thinks I’m depressing. Who cares what anyone thinks?

I did it tonight and have gotten a few messages from a few people and already feel lighter. I’ve even found a few new resources that I didn’t know existed. They always say, “happy to have you as a part of a community nobody wants to be a part of” and it’s comforting.

I’ve been doing sleep meditations before bed instead of turning the tv on. I can honestly say that I feel like I feel better and seem to have more vivid dreams at night. Last night my grandma and Uncle Jim were there, but I specifically remembered freaking out because I hadn’t said “goodbye” to them when I left.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.