My Isaiah Joseph,

It’s not living, it’s purely survival. I feel like I was in a better headspace six months ago than what I am now.

I had a flashback today. It was Elijah’s first soccer practice ever and it’s been our first soccer practice we have had for anyone since losing you. I had him sitting on the chair and was struggling with trying to get his shin guards and socks on and the memories came. The memories of having to always help you get your stuff off and on for soccer. It wasn’t that you needed help, but you asked for help and then did nothing to make it easier on daddy or I to actually get the equipment on. You wouldn’t keep your leg straight, or still, or even facing the correct way. Because you also refused to attempt to tie your cleats, you were always putting them up on my leg so I could double knot them for you. Those memories broke me.

Elijah and I went into the backyard to play soccer. Elijah said that you were on both of our teams and when he would get the ball he would say, “nice pass, Isaiah”.

Elijah is also noticing that the pictures of you in my phone are taking longer for him to scroll back to. Today he said, “I’m finally to where Isaiah was alive”. Just hearing comments like that out of your youngest’s mouth is heartbreaking.

While Ellie and Lucas were at school, Elijah and I watched the new episode of Lego Masters Jr. There was a boy in the episode that reminded me so much of you. He was getting frustrated that their build wasn’t coming out how he wanted and he just started to lose it and cry. That broke my mama heart and hurt even more knowing that you would be doing that exact same thing that boy was doing. You were always so hard on yourself and needed to be perfect right away. You needed to prove to yourself that you could do it.

I have literally cried all day. I wish I could just make this all go away. I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.