My baby boy,

I know I didn’t make a mistake by moving back to Pittsburgh, but I do find a little part of me questioning if I should have just stayed put in Hawaii. I miss so much about it and know certain aspects were helping me cope with your loss.

I miss the beauty of everything. I miss just going to sit on the beach and stare out into the ocean. In the darkness of everything going on, there was just so much to take in and be grateful for. When I would sit on the beaches, I would find myself wondering how such an amazing place could exist.

I miss the people. I know that some of the people that “came with” Hawaii are no longer there, but I miss everyone from there. They knew me before, during, and after losing you. Most importantly, they knew you.

I miss the Let Grace In ohana. It was the one place I could go and talk to and hear from other parents who have also lost a child. Even if I didn’t talk to all of them, just being in the same room as them allowed me to feel less alone. Surprisingly, there isn’t anything like that here. There are groups, but not for parents who have lost kids. I am thankful that I have found resources for the kids, though.

It’s difficult right now, I wish we were in Hawaii. I feel like I felt closer to you when I was there. I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.