My sweet boy,

I didn’t get my sign today. This is why I don’t ask for them. Maybe I missed it because there was a lot going on, but I doubt that. I will hold out hope for tomorrow, but I’m not going to hold my breath. If I don’t get it tomorrow, I will most likely go into a darker space than I’m already in.

Elijah had a game this morning and he wore your soccer socks. He played one of his best games. He was playing Jack’s team, so maybe that had him going a little harder. His team lost, they’ve lost every game this season, but he played well and had fun.

This afternoon we had a trunk or treat we went to with Aunt Cait, Uncle Alec, and your cousins. Lucas decided he no longer wanted to be the Titanic, but I don’t think his choice of costume is very practical for Halloween. We got to test out the Enderman today and he can’t hold his own bag or put whatever treat he gets into the bag if someone else is holding it. People loved his costume, he makes me smile when I look at him in it, but his hands are inside the costume. It makes no sense.

Penny was too afraid of Lucas the entire time that she didn’t even notice Ellie until ten minutes after we sat down so everyone could look at the candy they got. She had been sitting right next to her, but was off in her own world. When she finally noticed Ellie, her eyes got really big and she asked who that was. I don’t think she completely trusted us when we told her it was Ellie and explained the makeup and hairspray.

Tonight we went to a Halloween night walk on the trail. The trail was lined with carved pumpkins, there was a hay ride, a bonfire, a movie playing on the side of the rocks, and they handed out some treats. It was a beautiful night and the weather was perfect.

Elijah really wanted to sit down and watch Scooby on the rocks, but we took another hay ride because there was no line. Once we got off, the movie was over and Elijah was so upset. We decided to start to walk back to the car, but Elijah was going through all the emotions. Uncle Alec tried to reassure Elijah that we could go over to their house before Halloween, watch a movie outside on the garage, and have a fire in the fire pit, but that wasn’t going to cut it. Elijah just wanted to watch a movie out in nature and although watching the movie outside the house is still in nature, it’s not “in nature” enough being so close to a house.

Lucas then started getting upset that some of his hot chocolate had spilled and he didn’t have as much in his cup. As the world melted down for both boys, I stopped walking to the car and told them we should just turn around and go back. We could go back and Elijah could sit there in nature and watch Casper and Lucas could get another cup of hot chocolate. Everyone agreed and we walked back.

We were only over there for thirteen extra minutes and that was enough to make everyone happy. Elijah thanked me for letting him “spend time in nature”, Lucas drank another three cups of hot chocolate, and Ellie got a bag of popcorn.

At one point, I looked over and Ellie was crying. I had just given her the money for the popcorn, so I wasn’t sure why she was so upset. When she came back, she said that being at the event made her think about you and miss you. Ellie wanted to leave, but I told her we were going to stay a little. I told Ellie that we aren’t going to run away from things and places that make us think of Isaiah.

As we were walking back, I explained to Ellie how it’s important that she talks about her feelings when she’s having them about you. I also told her it’s important to talk about you. I asked her what she thought your favorite thing at the event would have been. She also told me you would have tried the hot cider, spit it out, and just drank the hot chocolate instead.

I was wondering if this would happen again this year. Last year, around Halloween, was when Ellie really started to struggle with missing you. From October through December was very hard for Ellie. That was actually the time when Ellie told me she was ready to move to Pennsylvania and it was too hard being in Hawaii. I wasn’t sure if that season was even harder because it was the first year without you, but apparently it wasn’t. I’m going to try and make some kind of plan.

I hope you can send me my sign tomorrow, baby boy. I love you more than anything. Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby.