My sweet boy,

I started off today with the energy to take on the day. Do you want to know what I did? I faced one of my fears and I went through the drive-thru car wash! It was the one just like in Missouri where you have to get on the track. You guys always asked me to go, but I couldn’t. Well I needed to use the vacuums and in order to do that, I had to wash the car.

Isaiah Joseph, you have no idea how proud your mom was after that. The last two years of life has been horrific and it’s been just your siblings and I the last nine months, but today I managed to go through the car wash!

I took this empowering energy back home and decided to go on the local mom’s page to reach out for help on your page. Aunt Caitlin has been telling me to do it, but I suck at asking for help. I took my conquer the world energy and posted on the local page. I gave a synopsis of you, what I want to do, what I’m looking for, and put it out into the world.

The “mom community” is one that can come together whenever asked. They may not know you, your family, or anything about you, but they’re more than willing to do what they can. My big task now will be to reach out to the people willing to help and accept it.

One of the mom’s that commented on my post had a child in Lucas’ class last year and had heard about you before. There was another mom who commented because she remembered Ellie from the McMurray Day last year. I have no idea exactly why, but reading this mom’s comment completely broke me. It didn’t break me in a bad way, if that even makes sense. I completely lost it, but was so thankful for that message.

That single comment made me feel so many different things all at once. In that moment I was so proud of Ellie for expressing her feelings to other people about missing you. I was also happy for Ellie that she found her special way to honor you that day. I was also so thankful and hopeful knowing Ellie managed to get a complete stranger to take note enough to remember the comment and tell me today when she read my story. It means that you’re staying out in the world and you’re somehow living on.

I sat in my closet crying, clutching your Dragon Ball Z shirt to my face, while listening to my music from my One Tree Hill playlist and screaming. I couldn’t get back from that today and I know that’s “okay”.

I miss you more than anything in the world, baby boy. We decorated the tree tonight and I put a lot of your ornaments in the same section. Part of me doesn’t want to put up your handprint one because I’m so worried about something happening to it. Take a look at the tree though, see what you think. Goodnight and sweet dreams.