My sweet boy,

I spread the sickness to Ellie, so I feel like it’s only a matter of time before your brothers get it, too.

Lucas jokingly called me “rude” tonight because I told him I did not believe that ships such as the Titanic had souls. I told him I believe the passengers do, but the boat itself does not. He did not like this answer, considering he loves ships, and said “you’re rude” in a weird voice. It immediately took me back in time to you saying that. You would say it in a weird voice to complain when I said you couldn’t do or have something. It was a crazy experience.

I’m feeling a little “settled” here for the first time since we moved here in February. The Christmas decorations are almost all up, the house is clean, I watched a video to figure out how to get to and replace a lightbulb that’s been burned out since we moved in, and I sub three days this week in the same classroom. As we all know, this will pivot and go the opposite way in a few days or a week, but right now I will try and enjoy it.

We’ve moved around so many times that I think there’s also a time period that needs to pass in order for a place to feel like “home”. With the Christmas tree up in the living room and the lights around the ceiling, you get the cozy feeling of it being “our home”.

I had therapy today and my therapist asked how I wanted forty years old to “feel”, not what I wanted to accomplish or see happen. That was actually an amazing question and I don’t know why I was never asked that before. It was always “where do you see yourself” or “what are you doing” in so many years. Before losing you, that’s how I did things too. Since losing you, I don’t have a “big picture” of where I want to be.

I also don’t want to think ahead and wish away these years I have with your siblings, wondering what the future holds for them. I did that before losing you, planning out your whole future in my mind of what you’d possibly do. I also spent so much time worrying about how we were messing things up homeschooling. I spent so much time worrying about a future for you that will never be.

I told my therapist I want to be more authentically myself. I spent a lot of time worrying about what people thought of me and doing things to make certain people happy. I feel like my “weird quirkiness” kind of got pushed down and so did me figuring out what I wanted for myself to be happy.

I also want to be more carefree, which I feel like I have been since losing you. I told her today that I actually wish the person I am today was the person I was just twelve years ago. I still have a ton of learning to do, but losing you has made me gain so much perspective on different aspects of life I never had before.

It’s funny how fast time goes, just fifteen years ago one of my athletes was telling me I hit “late 20’s” on my twenty-fifth birthday. I argued with KK at the time that it was definitely my mid and not my late twenties. It was just fifteen years ago, but is also an entire lifetime ago.

The lamp in my bedroom was randomly blinking on and off earlier today. I don’t know if that was you, but I was talking to you like it was. It’s never done anything like that so it made me wonder a little bit. After a few times though, I told you that if it was you to “shut the light off” and nothing happened. Maybe it wasn’t you or maybe you didn’t have enough left to make it shut off.

I love you so much, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.