Hi handsome,
I hope you’re good. Elijah had his first day of Pre-K today. He woke me up three times last night? He woke me up once because he thought he was going to be to be late for school at 2am, once because he forgot his teacher’s name and needed to know, and once just because night was clearly taking too long. This morning as I was packing his snack he was on me to hurry up so he wouldn’t be late again. I asked him how it would be possible to be late again when this was his first day of school. He said, “oh, I guess it was a dream then”. When we got to dropoff, we went into his classroom (the opposite side of where Lucas’ classroom was) and found his hook. Elijah immediately noticed that his hook was right next to “Isaiah”. He got so excited and I told him that was a good sign. He had a great day, I think he’s going to enjoy school like you.
I got Lucas signed up for school and he starts Monday. However, Hawaii is forcing me to put him in second grade because of his birthday. So he will completely be skipping first grade. I’m going to give it a try because I think Lucas needs socialization and a routine, especially after losing you. Once we move, I’m planning on putting him in second grade again next year. You guys were all later birthdays and that was always the plan. It’s odd to think that Lucas will be doing the same things you did last year.
I was having trouble with the online homeschool program we used last year. I was trying to get Lucas on, but it wasn’t working so I had to call them. We are still paying for your account. I can’t get myself to cancel it because I’m worried I will lose all your records. Why do I feel the need to have those records? What would I ever use them for? The answer is absolutely nothing. I would never need them for anything. It’s a part of you though. I told the customer service lady what was going on and asked her if I would still be able to access your records if we ended the account. I just started crying on the phone to this woman about not knowing why I want your records, but I need them. She was nice enough and said she fully understood and she would figure it out for me. I don’t even think I will look at them. At this present moment, they’ll just make me angry. It’ll be a reminder of how smart and gifted you were and how it was all taken away in a second. I will probably eventually print them off and put them in a box somewhere with some of your other papers.
Ellie came home with a paper from school today that was kind of like a class survey from her teacher. She asked what subjects they liked, how they learned, and things like that. One of the questions asked, “what did you wish you knew?”. This question was there for her teacher to get a sense of what the kids were interested in learning. Do you want to know what Ellie put? She wrote, “I wish I knew when my brother was going to die”. That hurt. That hurts as the mom who lost you and as the mother to the ten year old who feels this way. I obviously feel the same as Ellie, but as a parent you want them more protected. That’s not something I want constantly on my child’s minds, even though I know the reality of the situation is you’ll always be on all of our minds.
I love this video of you and Lucas. You just wanted to make him happy. That was who you were. We love you and miss you more than anything, baby. Please keep an eye on us.