Hi my baby boy,

Aunt Jen randomly pulled into a parking spot today while shopping, got out, and it said “Daddy loves Isaiah”. We’d like to think that was a little sign from you.

After my run tonight, I was listening to Push by Matchbox 20. I left the song on because it reminds me of you and your love for that song. However, it made Lucas start to cry so I had to go downstairs. Then Ellie heard the song and started to cry too. I told them it’s okay to think of you and cry and it’s fine to miss you. It seems like everyone in this house is grieving differently than me.

I got to talk with the lady who put together the grief group for families who’ve lost children. She lost her son to cancer eight years ago when he was only five years old. She just listened a lot. It was comforting to hear that she understands exactly what I’m talking about. I told her that sometimes I do things that I question my sanity with, like putting this letter on Facebook to you every day. She understood and said she’s done a lot of things other people thought were crazy, but that’s you’ve got to do what helps you. I have an event with them on Sunday. We are going to make necklaces in memory of our loved ones. I know I will use a red gem since it was your favorite color, but I don’t know what other charm I will pick. I doubt they have a Minecraft or Lego charm. I also learned that there’s “grief yoga”. I might as well add that to the list of things I’m going to try.

I was putting on Its the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown for Elijah tonight and saw Stinky and Dirty. I smiled. At one point in time when you were younger you were obsessed with that show. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. We even listened to songs from that show in the car sometimes. I’m thankful for the random things like that, that just remind me of memories with you. I like the memories that come back with happiness kind of attached to them. Some memories come back with sadness attached to them and some come with fear and anger. Today was a bunch of memories with smiling.

I wish I could look you in your eyes and tell you that I love you. I want you to know how proud of you I was and still am. I always think of you when I see the videos comparing first born siblings to middle children and the youngest. You always fit the stereotype perfectly and I loved it because I was that same middle child. I love you more than anything, my baby. I will make you really proud one day, I promise.

Elijah says, “Isaiah, may you please visit Lucas’, Ellie’s, and dad’s dreams. If you do that, I will get you a pizza. It’ll be shaped like a heart and says “I love you, Isaiah”. Bye, I love you, muah!”