Hi baby,
Today wasn’t good. It started off like every other day. I said good morning to you, made breakfast and my coffee, and then took Elijah to Pre-K. Once I got home, I went to the thrift shop with Lucas. He only owns 5,000 stuffed animals so obviously, he wanted another one. While we were looking through the bins I spotted a bigger version of your puppy that Aunt Sarah got you. You were about a year and a half old and we had to go to the hospital so you could get an endoscopy. Aunt Sarah was visiting and watched Ellie in the waiting room while I was back with you. She bought Ellie a little Olaf stuffed animal and you the brown, black, and white dog. I don’t know how, but that dog became your favorite stuffed animal and came everywhere. You still randomly brought it places now if you guys brought a stuffed animal. At one point, the dog also became Lucas’ favorite and he was always trying to take yours. I had to go ahead and find a duplicate online, but he still wanted yours. They were exactly the same, but I guess Aunt Sarah added something special to that.
Anyway, I bought you the dog at the thrift shop. I grabbed it as soon as I saw it and told Lucas, “I’m getting this for Isaiah”. I kind of just held on to my emotions because we were in the middle of the thrift store and that wasn’t the time or the place. Then we went straight to the commissary and that’s when I could start to feel the grief and anger coming on. I had tried to ignore the emotions so instead they were physically starting to show me they were there. When I talked to the woman yesterday, she told me to start paying attention to where I feel it. The first thing that starts is my head. It’s as if fireworks are going off in my brain. I can’t string together a full thought, I feel extremely anxious, and there’s something “going off” in my head every few seconds. I also feel it in my chest. It’s like someone tied something tight around me and I just can’t catch a big breath. I also feel a huge lump in my throat just sitting there. Finally, I feel it in my stomach. It’s as if someone keeps punching me over and over again. Once I got home, I went up to my bed to cry.
The boys wanted to go to the park today so I got out of the house for a little. It was nice. Getting to sit and talk with people like normal adds some peace to the day. As soon as I got back in the house though, it’s like the dark cloud comes back. I hate sitting in the house, but nobody wants to hike or go to the beach with me. I don’t want to push the beach on them because it reminds them of you and what happened. However, I need some salt air in my life.
I spent the rest of the day and evening in bed. I feel like today was pretty much wasted. After I lost you, I didn’t see myself “wasting” so much time. I hope tomorrow is better, because I don’t want to do another day like today. I love and miss you so much. I wish I could tell you that. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my baby.