My one and only Isaiah Joseph,
Hi my baby. I miss you, did you know that? I woke up in an angry mood this morning. It just continued from yesterday. I tried screaming into my pillow, but that’s honestly doesn’t help me. If anything, it hurts my throat. Nothing was helping this morning. We finally got to go to the beach today and I’m pretty positive that’s exactly what I needed. We went to Mokuleia, but had to walk down the beach a little to find some shade and get away from the crowds. I was able to just sit there by myself for like five minutes and stare out into the water. Being there reminds me of how beautiful the world can be. Since you’ve passed I need to be reminded of the beauty sometimes. There are times where the world just seems to get dark, lonely, and my anger and grief take over. While just looking out in the water, I saw a sea turtle stick his head out. Then I spent a few minutes watching some sand crabs on the shore. They were walking around looking for things, but any time the water started to come closer they ran really fast back to their holes.
At the beach I felt like I could finally take a deep breath. It didn’t feel like I had this heavy weight sitting on my chest. I raced Ellie a few times (I think I have a little more time before I start losing to her) and we had cartwheel and handstand competitions. My handstands were pathetic. I would like to blame it on the fact that the sand was a hill and gravity, but I just suck at handstands. Your siblings complained a lot about being there, but I think it was good for them.
After the beach we went to one of your favorite places, Teddy’s in Haleiwa. I saw the books they had sitting there for kids to look at. You always got a book to read while we were there. In similar fashion, Elijah went over to get a book to look at. It was actually one that you got to read at some point. However, the lady who runs Teddy’s (I’m guessing she either owns it or is the manager because she is there every single time we go) noticed the whole family wasn’t there. She mentioned something to daddy and he had to tell her what happened. Well he didn’t tell her at first, he just commented on how “yes, we weren’t all there”. However, it bothered him and he wanted to tell her. It’s odd, it’s like if we don’t tell someone we are ignoring the loss of you. I don’t know, I get it and it makes total sense to me. Even people you never really talked to knew who you were.
Ellie did your impression of me tonight where you pulled your shorts all the way up and just said, “look, I’m mom!”. I laughed tonight just like when you did it. I don’t know why, but every time you did that I thought it was the funniest thing. It brought a smile to my face thinking about it.
I learned that as your siblings get older and their brain keeps developing, they will continue to grieve the loss of you. I never thought about that. I knew this would be a lifelong thing, but I didn’t know the battle that’ll come with “processing” this for them. I’m thirty-eight though and I don’t think I will ever understand this.
I love you my baby. I’m so sorry you got everything taken away from you way before your time. I’m thankful for every second I had with you. Please keep watching over us. If needed, send Uncle Jim or Uncle Bob to tell me you’re okay. I had dreams about both of them after they passed and they let me know they were okay. I love you more than anything and you’ll always be my son. Thank you for everything you showed me and taught me. Goodnight, baby.