My baby boy,
Hi sweetie. Were you visiting last night? Apollo was acting extremely weird. He kept wanting out of my room, then would go and check every else’s room including yours. I let him outside and he just sat there. I’d like to think maybe he sensed you in the house and was looking for you. I asked him this morning if he had seen you and his ears perked up. I know he misses you just as much as we do.
I went to a new grief group today. This one is just for families who have lost children. The ones I usually go to have people who’ve lost their spouses or adult children. This group had people who had lost babies up to young adults. It was comforting just to be around people who “get it”. Nobody feels odd crying, nobody feels weird asking personal questions about you, everyone is in the same boat. However, do you want to know the best part? One of my favorite one of your nurses was there, Kristin. I haven’t seen her since the day before you went into the OR? She had reached out to me, but I just haven’t had it in me to get back to anyone. Plus, I cannot put into words how amazing she is to us and I just don’t think anything I could say would be “enough”. I cried, gave her a ton of hugs, and got to meet her little man and her husband. I thanked her again and made sure to tell her son and her husband what an incredibly amazing human she is. She’s actually the person who gave me the information on the group.
At the group, we got to make necklaces in memory of our kids. We got to pick one charm and one stone. I picked the butterfly, because that took on a whole new meaning after you became an organ donor. I thought I would pick a red gem or stone since that was not only your favorite color, but also the birthstone for July. However, when I got up there I decided on something different. I ended up picking a druzy crystal. It is green, just like your eyes and actually shaped like an eye too. It also reminds me of a piece of sea glass, which you were always my most helpful sea glass finder. Finally, one of the sides is sparkly and I feel like that’s the joy that you added to my life. After looking up the meaning of the druzy, it says it’s associated with peace, tranquility, patience, and unconditional love. I feel like that’s why I chose it without knowing. I hope you’re at peace and in a tranquil state, I need to have patience with myself as I spend the rest of my life navigating your loss, and my unconditional love for you will never end.
Please give your brother some courage tomorrow, he’s headed back to school. I would feel much better if they put him where I wanted, but Hawaii state law says different. I’m hoping he makes at least one friend and the kids are nice. He is really worried kids will be mean. Elijah tried to talk to him and give a pep talk, but Lucas wasn’t hearing it. We love and miss you so much, my baby. You will always be with us.