My sweet boy,

You would not believe what I did today, I went out on a boat with Miss Brenda and got to see whales, sharks, and dolphins. It was amazing! Before we went out, they told us we probably wouldn’t see any dolphins because they’re usually not on that side of island during that time of day. Baby, there was a whole pod of them swimming right by the boat! I leaned over and put my arm down and they were probably within three feet of my hand. You could even hear them clicking and talking to each other. One lady on the boat said that seeing the dolphins like this on the tour is not usual and we must have been bringing some good energy. I would love to attribute that to you. I know you loved the dolphins at Sea Life Park. You would have absolutely enjoyed this.

We also got to see mama whales and their babies and Galapagos sharks. It was an amazing experience I was so incredibly thankful for having. Most of my exploring on the island has been beach trip and hikes, so this was a phenomenal send off and memory.

You want to know something crazy? Miss Brenda moved here almost exactly when we did, but Ellie didn’t meet Sophia or Livvy until last May right before we lost you. Miss Brenda had invited the family over for dinner, but I couldn’t handle explaining the mess that we were currently dealing with in our life so I didn’t go. Once you passed away, Ellie spent a lot of time over there. I went over to say “thank you” and I immediately just spilled my heart out to her. She was my people.

I don’t like to think of the good things I have gained since losing you, because nothing is worth what all of it cost. However, my therapist told me today to think of that as your gift to me. All the lessons I’ve learned, the amazing people that have come into my life, and how I’ve grown as a person are all from you. I am very aware of how much I’ve changed, but I don’t like to acknowledge it because it forces me to find a “positive” from your loss and I don’t want to. I also know I was a great mother to you before you passed, but I think I’m an even better one now. I listened before, but the level of my listening now goes deeper. Before you passed, I wanted you guys to be great humans, but worried about the academic part more than I should. Now, I wanted to continue to raise good humans, but want to make sure they really know themselves and work on social and emotional development.

You guys are all smarter, stronger, more caring, and more fearless than I could ever be. You all have taught me so much about myself and I’m moving into this next chapter as a different person. I love you so much, sweetie, and I thank you for all the incredible lessons you taught me. All four of you are truly my biggest life accomplishment. Goodnight and sweet dreams.