My sweetest baby boy,

I made it back to where I everything happened. It took over seven months and me leaving the island soon to get here. I learned that we actually weren’t at Lagoon 1, but were at the Secret Lagoon. I had always wanted to see it, not knowing that’s the place I’ve been running from since you left us.

I parked somewhere different than we parked that day, but that’s because I’m cheap and didn’t want to pay for parking. I got here early enough that it’s still dark and the public access lots are still empty. I’ve never walked along over here, let alone when it was pitch black outside, so I had no idea where I was going.

I went to lagoon 1A and just started walking to the left along the path thinking eventually I would just get to the lagoon we were at. The paved path ended and it went to rocks and sand. I climbed the rocks and sand until I got to another lagoon. It wasn’t the right one, so I figured I would just keep walking. All of a sudden I heard this strange noise and started seeing this figure go up and down in the dark. Oddly, my first thought was it’s a wild boar. Yeah, I was not correct. I realized that it was indeed a seal and I feel like he was warning me that I was getting too close. I apologized, backed up, and went back to where I came from.

I ended up calling Miss Brittany because if anyone could help me, it was her. She let me know that she thought it was the secret lagoon and told me where to walk. Thanks to her, I quickly found where I needed to go. I hadn’t recognized where the ambulance was sitting when we came out of the beach that day, but after I looked around I could put everything in its place.

I don’t want to be here, reliving everything, but I think I need to. I already have the flashbacks to that day all the time, so maybe I just go through everything while I sit here, it’ll help something. I brought “Aargh” with me to try and feel you a little closer. I know you were there, so if you don’t want to relive all the details, I would stop reading now.

It was May 31, 2024 and it was the first day of your summer vacation. The day prior, you had won your big recess soccer game that you really wanted. You were up early, as always, but wanted to go to Ko Olina to a new lagoon. You guys build with Legos that morning and then got ready for the beach. I had made scrambled eggs for breakfast, to which you told me “eggs are disgusting”. You used to love eggs, so I told you I would just make the random funfetti pancakes we had. I made the pancakes, you ate, we got our stuff together to leave.

We were meeting Madalynn’s mom there, so I didn’t want to be late. To my amazement, we got out of the house on time. While we were getting into the van, you grabbed one of the boogie boards. As you put it in the trunk you declared that the boogie board was yours and you were the only one that was going to use it. I told you I understood, closed the trunk, and we drove to the beach.

When we got there, we parked over by Monkeypod and the ABC store. We got out of the van, saw the Phillips family, got our stuff out, and met them. We all made note of the ABC store and I had said how I hadn’t ever been in one. You guys wanted to go too, so I said we would go in there once we left the beach and were ready to go home.

It was a little bit of a walk to the beach. While we were walking, you were chasing your brothers with the boogie board and running it into my back and pushing me.

We got to the beach, you declared you didn’t like it and wanted to be at lagoon 4, and then ran into the ocean with your boogie board.

At the time, there was a little girl to the left of us that was there from Make a Wish. She was standing on the shore with her family and waving to the mermaid who was swimming in the lagoon. The mermaid was completely decked out and Mrs. Phillips and I just watched her. Ellie asked some questions about the mermaid and then I explained what the Make a Wish foundation did.

Everyone was out in the water, you were on the boogie board, everyone was playing. At one point, you bailed on the boogie board and were just swimming around. You came up to Mrs. Phillips and I and you had a random piece of coral in your mouth. I made a comment about how you are my smartest child, but do the most random things. You had never done that, but it’s you and it was always the rule just to expect the unexpected.

A few minutes later you went back and sat on the shore. I turned around to talk to you, but you wouldn’t look at me. I figured you were mad because we were at a lagoon you didn’t want to be at. You refused to make eye contact with me, which is what you always did when you were upset with me. I always loved that little quality you had because it always made me smile. You’d be upset that I told you to put lotion on your legs and you refused to act like I existed. I told you to stop being a moody Myrtle because we were already here at the lagoon and to just enjoy yourself. You didn’t say anything.

At this time, Ellie had also tried to wave to you, but you didn’t acknowledge her. She also thought you were mad at her so she just went along playing.

Ellie asked what you were doing floating in the water and I told her to tell you to stop playing around like that. Just the week before you did the same thing at the pool and I lectured you on how that’s not something we do to play in a body of water. Ellie went up to you to tell you to stop, turned to me, and told me she didn’t think you were playing. I looked at you for a second thinking “clearly you are” since you were in a foot of water, but then my mind just clicked “he can’t hold his breath more than five seconds” and I ran. You were lying face down in the water and your one leg was straight and the other was bent in like a number four. For whatever reason, the placement of you in the ocean and your legs is a recurrent flashback.

I grabbed your arm, started pulling you out of the ocean, and just yelled for help over and over again. When I got you on the shore, I started CPR. Although I’ve been trained in CPR no less than five times, my mind was blank. I was just staring and pushing down way too low.

A mad ran over from our right and just took over and started CPR. He let me know that he was a firefighter. One other woman came up from behind us and held your head. She let us know that she was a nurse and had called 911. There was another lady who was standing over them and she said she was also a nurse.

I watched as he sat there and did compressions on your chest. There was bubbles and water coming out of your eyes and mouth whenever he pushed down. During the CPR, there were two separate times when you gasped for air. I looked up and over to see Mrs. Phillips on the phone and had all five kids huddled together in a little group. I figured she was calling daddy, she was.

Whenever you gasped during the CPR, they told you that was good and to do it again. I just sat there frozen. In my mind, nothing could ever happen to my kids. Sure, this seemed horrible, but my mind just cleared and I kept telling myself that you had to be okay, this wasn’t happening. For whatever reason, I remember how your belly looked while the compressions were being done. That’s another flashback.

I have no idea how much time passed, but the paramedics got there. They put this crazy machine on you so the compressions would continue while they carried you through the sand up to the ambulance.

When we got to the ambulance, I just stood outside it while the cops asked me questions and they loaded you in. Once they were done, I got into the ambulance so we could go. I walked past the firefighter and wanted to give him a hug and say “thank you”, but I just got in the ambulance.

Once the driver got in, she looked at me with tears in her eyes, and just grabbed my hand and held it while we drove to the ER. I’m sure she was a mother, but I also wonder if she was also crying because she knew what would most likely result from all this. On the way, I talked to daddy who had already left work and was on his way to the ER. I just kept telling him that I had no idea what the heck happened. You were conscious one minute and then the next you were face down in the water.

We pulled up to the ER and daddy was waiting right outside the doors. I went right in with you, but for whatever reason the guy wouldn’t let daddy in and said he needed to go through security. He was yelling and crying and there was just chaos around you.

They got you into a room and doctors and nurses just swarmed around you. They sat me in a chair across the hall from your room and someone asked about daddy. I told them what happened and the nurse went to go find him so she could bring him back with me.

I sat there crying and just in shock. I paid special attention to the nurses’ and doctors’ faces surrounding you and outside of the room. They were all very serious and they would randomly seem to whisper things to each other.

They continued doing CPR, daddy and I just sat there, and every so often someone would come up to get information, to give us tissues, to say they’re sorry, or to explain what was going on.

Once they got you on the ventilator and things seemed to “calm down”, we got to go in and see you. You were shaking the entire time and your eyes would flutter open. We asked the doctor and he said that was “normal” and moved on. We didn’t realize at the time that you were seizing that entire time.

They told us that you were going to be moved from Queens and asked if we wanted you moved to Tripler or Kapi’olani. They had to ask since daddy was military. We both said “not Tripler” right away. There was no way we wanted you at the military hospital. They explained that the “transport team” was on their way and what was going to happen.

Once the transport team came, they got you all ready and we went to another ambulance. Daddy drove separately and I rode with you. I thought it was odd that we were in an ambulance, but they didn’t put the sirens on. We just sat in the traffic. The driver was a younger guy and he didn’t say a word to me. It was such awkward drive and I just had so many questions, but I sat there in silence.

We got to Kapi’olani, a place we had been to before when Ellie had an MRI. Dad and I just sat in the back of the room while they got you all set up. You were covered in sand and it was just quiet.

They gave us the rundown of everything that was going on, but we didn’t know exactly what was happening with you. We sat with you and laid down with you until daddy had to go back and pick your siblings up from Madalynn’s house. Daddy stayed with your siblings the first night and I went home the second night. After that, family members came and Ellie even slept over at Miss Madison’s. Ellie didn’t want to be in the house.

The first nurses didn’t say much. The one actually came in and would just be on the computer the entire time. You had an MRI that night and I went down with you and just sat by myself while everything happened. It wasn’t until the next day that the doctor sat daddy and I down and said “if he makes it through, he will not be the same little boy”.

It was a blur after that and still is. Once I leave this beach today, I’m not coming back. I spent my time here that I needed and replayed everything.

I love you more than anything, sweetie. I hope to leave the horrible memories I have of you here at this beach. I know I’m still going to have them, but one could dream. I’m going to do a quick walk around the lagoon and see if I see any treasures you may have left for me to find. I wanted to leave a flower in the ocean, but all the flowers seem to be gone. I thought our hibiscus bush had some on them, but this morning when I checked there wasn’t anything.

I will leave a little note for you, my sweet boy. This may be my only letter to you today because I don’t know how the rest will go. I love you more than anything, baby.