Baby boy,

I got my schedule wrong today and thought therapy was at ten, but it was at eleven. I had already made an appointment for Ellie to get her haircut at 11:30am, so I had to reschedule my therapy appointment for nine o’clock tonight.

I feel like my brain is just this mess of thoughts that are all stuck together in this huge ball, sitting in something like glue. I can’t distinguish my individual thoughts from one another and although I feel like I know what I am thinking, I couldn’t tell you what I am thinking at all.

There’s so many times where I just want to quiet my brain and just shut it off. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, I just want to exist. During these times, I end up on my phone just trying to escape the world. I actually hate doing this and know that it doesn’t help me at all. My therapist suggested that I make a “coping box”, so that’s what I’m going to do.

The first thing I need to do is get a box and decorate it. Luckily, we are coming up on Valentine’s Day so I can get a nice little box that kids put Valentines in. Inside, she wants me to put different affirmations, activities that I can do when I am feeling bad, meditations, and letters to myself from “better days”.

As always, I am completely on board with trying whatever. What I’m currently doing is not benefiting me at all and I have no idea how to make it any better. Hopefully this can have any sort of positive outcome.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Living in constant survival mode is wearing me down. Goodnight and sweet dreams.