Isaiah Joseph,

Eleven years ago I announced to my world online that we were expecting you. It seems like a cruel joke that eleven years ago I was preparing for your arrival and now it’s been over a year and a half without you.

I knew I was pregnant right away with you, it was crazy. I was googling whether or not it was possible and reading all these other stories because it had still been too early for me to find out. Your great-grandpa passed away about a week before I officially found out I was pregnant. I was so convinced I was pregnant that I wanted to tell him when I had said my goodbyes to him on the phone as he was actively dying. I didn’t though, because I didn’t want to be wrong. I don’t even know if he would have heard me, anyway.

I’m finding it difficult to navigate a new “normal” in a world that never changed. I feel like I need to hold a lot in when I’m out because nobody needs to hear all that sad stuff constantly. I love going to sub because it’s the only time where I can live my life and accomplish things, while still missing you.

At home, I try to just shut my mind off. I honestly don’t want to use my brain. When I’m out with other people, I want to just try and not be depressing and act “normal”, even though I’m not. I have therapy tomorrow, which is wonderful considering I’m completely lost right now.

I need some direction, I need something from you. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.