Baby boy,

I got an email from Artsonia about Ellie because she started art a week or two ago. Your art teacher at Thayer used the same thing to share your art with us and I’m forever grateful for it.

Ellie had told me that she had drawn a bird in art class and I thought since I was getting the emails that maybe it was uploaded to the website. I went on there, but her bird hasn’t been uploaded yet for this year. However, all her artwork from Thayer and your kindergarten artwork was all still on there.

The thing that triggered me was seeing “4th grade” under your name. As the years go on, it’ll just keep automatically updating your grade to reflect where you’d be.

I can’t believe you’d be almost at the last nine weeks of fourth grade. I am guessing math would still be your favorite subject, but who knows. I know you’d look forward to Maker Space because it’s all kinds of building and creating. The one day I subbed, the kids each got a bin of Legos and just got to build. Building Legos at school for fun, that’s your dream.

I’m currently just crying in my bed and about to put the boys to bed. Seeing that detail of where you’d be made me want to scream and I desperately just wanted to tell everyone, but there’s nothing to say. It sucks that you’re gone, it’s horrible that I have to see “4th grade” knowing you only ever finished second grade, and there’s nothing that’ll make It hurt any less. There’s no point.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Each day that goes by is one day closer to me being back with you. Goodnight and sweet dreams.