Baby boy,

Yesterday your brothers asked me if they could have their own rooms. I internally freaked out, that means that I would have to give up your bedroom. I’m so attached to a bedroom you never even lived in, but I think it’s because I have it set up like you did in Hawaii.

I talked to my therapist about it today and I need to figure out what to do. I don’t want your brothers having issues of not getting their own room because I couldn’t let anyone stay in your empty room. I’m certainly not financially in a place to move to a five bedroom house, but I can’t have your “room” down in the basement because it floods down there and I don’t think the landlord plans on doing all the work to fix that problem. I wouldn’t be able to handle your furniture getting ruined from water, so what do I do?

Having to navigate this stuff alone isn’t easy. I wish there were a group of mothers who had all lost kids like there were in Hawaii who all got together to just talk about random stuff like this. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to proceed, I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for everything this will bring.

We went to see the movie GOAT yesterday and I brought your puppy that Aunt Sarah gave you with me. I cuddled with him the whole time and held him in a position so he could see the movie. I know it sounds crazy, but since losing you I think that I just am “crazy”.

I also realized that two years ago yesterday was Easter and your final holiday with us. You didn’t even complain when I had you wearing the duck costume on Kolekole. Knowing that we are now over two years past your last holiday with us absolutely sucks. Time just keeps moving on without any care that you aren’t here with me.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.