My sweet boy,

As soon as we heard how your MRI looked in the hospital, I knew I didn’t want to keep you on life support if it came to that. Keeping you on machines for the rest of your time was not what was best for you. Even after they pronounced you “brain dead”, I questioned whether you could actually hear me. It made more sense to me that your spirit knew I was there, but that your body was just a body.

Out of nowhere tonight, I wished we had kept you on life support. I don’t know why it came into my mind, I was in the kitchen getting your brothers’ plates ready for dinner. I was standing over by the microwave and I just wished you were still here in some capacity. I know that’s completely selfish of me and I don’t know where it came from, because realistically I am very content with our decision. I guess I just really want to hold you and I figure that if we had you on life support still, I could be holding you right now.

Elijah had his first soccer practice tonight, so I have officially coached all four of you in sports. We did some of the same things I did with your team when we were in Missouri.

I still have three beautiful lives that I needed to help take care of and raise, but sometimes I feel like I have nothing left in this life.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.