Baby boy,

I didn’t go into work again today because Elijah was still not healthy enough to go back to school today. I’ve noticed that I would rather be at work because I’m able to stay busy and keep my mind from going off to the darker places. It actually is worrying me for this summer.

Last summer, I hit a real low. Once we hit the year mark of losing you, I kind of just shut down for the next two months. I don’t want that to happen again, but it doesn’t seem very promising after today. I don’t know how to try and change the course. Plus, I am met with the added grief of facing the fact that Lucas is hitting an age his big brother never did. There’s just so many layers and so much going on at all times.

I went back and read my letter to you from last year, but wished that I had never done that. Two years ago I went to hike Diamond Head and my letter to you last year is how I wish I would have just taken you even if I didn’t make a reservation.

I still have a million regrets with you, not sharing that memory with you is just another one in my long list.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.