Baby boy,

Mrs. Holmes had an extra copy of the little poem she gave you when you brought home that friendship bracelet at the end of the year and sent it to me. I got it a little while ago, but it’s not an easy thing to look at.

You brought that bracelet home and I remember it sitting on the ladder shelf with the note she sent with it. A had a little bit of a memory of what the card looked like, but not completely clear. The memory cleared up as soon as I saw the card again.

I’m not sure why things like that are more difficult than other things. Maybe because it ties you to other people who have memories of you or maybe because it’s something I know you looked at with your own two eyes.

I have been missing you so much and don’t know what to do with that pain and longing.

I still have a few random Christmas decorations that need to be put away and I was going through them in my head while cleaning the kitchen today. I thought about the Disney Christmas story book we have that we read every night in December the year we got it. It’s still sitting downstairs on the shelf in the playroom because when I was unpacking decorations this year, I knew we weren’t going to read the stories. I did some thinking and the only way I think I could read from that book again would be to my future grandkids. That’s such a crazy thought considering that’s far down the line, but I can’t read it anymore with your siblings.

We were supposed to start the Caring Place again tomorrow, but it got pushed back a week because of the crazy weather. I’m looking forward to it and wondering if getting back to a consistent meetup like that will help with any of the million things that I feel.

Isaiah Joseph, there’s a few choice words that I want to just scream at the top of my lungs, but I am not going to do that around your siblings. I just want to give the anger and utter despair somewhere to go. I have no problem sitting in the feelings and “feeling” them, but I want an outlet.

It’s a bad Isaiah night, I’m sorry, baby. I love you more than anything in the world. I wish I had even just a second more with you. Goodnight and sweet dreams.