Isaiah Joseph,

Today was rough. There are times where I second guess all the decisions I have made because of how it’s affecting your siblings.

I got a message from Lucas’ teacher this afternoon that said he had been crying all day at school because he missed daddy. She said that he went down to see the guidance counselor a few times, but it’s just been a really rough day.

He started crying when I picked him up after school and told me he had a bad day. We went to the park because it was beautiful today and the guidance counselor actually called me. He told me that Lucas went in talking about daddy, then it transitioned to you, then it even transitioned to missing the dogs. He told me that he was actually very close to calling me and asking me to pick him up for a “mental health day”.

I’m trying my best, but it’s just not all possible given that it’s just me. I’ve told you this before, but I will say it again, I used to be so worried about “screwing you guys up” and you all needing so much therapy when you got older. I was so fixated on being as good of a mom as I could be, but then the things started happening that were out of my control. Information came out, fighting ensued, and then I entered a huge depression and just focused on us starting a new life. Then you were gone, in the blink of an eye. I’m now watching my kids struggle and deal with so much life that they shouldn’t have to deal with.

Moms only want to protect their kids and I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t protect your siblings from these horrible events that will follow them for the rest of their lives.

I miss you so much, I wish I could give you a huge kiss. I love you more than anything in the world, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.