Isaiah Joseph,

Elijah had a breakdown yesterday over missing you at Gma’s house. He didn’t tell me anything about it, Gma called and gave me a heads up after. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me, he seems to be keeping more things to himself lately.

He cried about missing you and wishing you were here. He was upset thinking about all the things you guys could be doing together that you now can’t. He wanted to go on Lego Masters with you, but now he doesn’t have anyone to go on there with.

This is the really difficult part to navigate. I’m trying to grieve you, adapt an entire different life for your siblings, and somehow need to be able to read their minds to see if they have anything they’re pushing down and won’t tell me. Elijah did tell Gma how whenever I cry about you, that he goes to give me one of your stuffed animals to try and make me happier.

I’m trying my best, but always feel like
I’m going to come up so short. It’s inevitable that I’m going to drop the ball on some things, but I guess I would like to learn what’s best for each individual.

I got an email today and have an interview for a sixth grade teacher on Friday. I am excited, but also don’t know how to feel about it. I love teaching the younger kids and always wanted the younger ones, my weird self just fits in with them, but I need to take any opportunity I’m given. I will need your guidance on how I should proceed.

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.