Baby boy,

I’m full of so much emotion right now. Yom, a mom who I have never met in person, reached out and offered to help me with your website. She was a mom that was in one of the What to Expect Groups when I was pregnant. She took her time and talent today and worked on your website.

It’s difficult for me to come up with the words to describe you and write about you. I even told Yom that I feel like I can’t put it into words that seem to make sense. I read what she wrote about you on your page and I absolutely lost it. Everything describes you exactly how you were and helps share everything with the world. I don’t think I could have ever managed anything so beautiful and that did you such justice. Anything that I wanted to say about you was written right there. I can’t believe it’s finally starting to happen, almost two years after losing you, your legacy will go on.

I took your siblings to the high school tonight to see their spring musical because Ellie had been asking for a while. While we were watching it, I suddenly just thought about how different things were now and how you never experienced “this” life that we have been living. We never stayed put long enough or lived anywhere where people had always lived there and really enjoyed their community. Any events that we usually went to were military related, which was wonderful, but we didn’t get out as much. In Missouri, I wasn’t comfortable enough with the surrounding areas to venture out with you guys.

I wish you could have experienced this life, one where we feel a little more grounded. I actually don’t know if your siblings feel any different, it might just be me. I do know that we never went to any plays or musicals and I’ve taken your siblings to two different community productions in the last five months.

Your life and experiences shaped who you were and I’m thankful for every little part of you. I feel like I can be a better mom now, but you don’t get that part of me. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best me when you were still here. Losing you caused me to let go of a lot of the things that were holding me back and keeping me stuck in these anxiety ridden and perfectionist cycles. Losing you has taught me to just completely let go of everything, because in the end, I don’t have control of a single thing.

I love you more than anything in the world, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.