Sweetie,

I spent a few hours outside today planting the flowers I bought and spreading eleven bags of mulch. I bought perennials this year, which means they should come back next year. I don’t know why I didn’t buy and plant perennials last year, but I changed this time. I am taking more time this year to make this house into our “home”.

I don’t know if you were the one who sent him, but there was a pigeon just sitting out there with me for about an hour. I was listening to my music and everything, while he just kind of sat near me on our walk way. I was tempted to try and pet him, because that’s the kind of person I am, but I just wanted to let him be with me so I didn’t. Ellie told your brothers and then Lucas came out the front door trying to catch the pigeon and he flew away. He did come back later to eat some of the bird seed I had left for him, though.

The one issue is that I planted all these flowers, but it’s going to drop below freezing tonight and tomorrow night. Hopefully they don’t all die. I know I should have just waited, but I get too excited to just get something done and I cannot wait like a patient adult for the “right time”.

I wonder if you would know what to tell me about navigating your loss. You probably wouldn’t have been able to tell me as much toward the beginning, because you didn’t know how handling your loss would go. I’m sure you’ve learned a lot more up there watching what a crap shoot it’s been down here and could give me better advice now. I hope you realize that “I love you and I’m always with you” wouldn’t cut it. I need to know when you’re with me, the times you’ve been with me before, signs you’ll leave me, things you have noticed I have dropped the ball on with your siblings regarding your loss, I want all the things. I know I ask for a lot, but I’m your mom so I feel like I am allowed.

I love you more than anything in the entire world, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.