Isaiah Joseph,

Life without you continues to be so difficult. You were in my dream last night, but it wasn’t in a good way. You were standing right in front of me and something inside my head said, “hug him now while you can”. When I went to hug you, I went right through you as if you weren’t even there. I couldn’t even hug you in my dream. That voice in my dream reminded me of the one I always used to have randomly when you were in your room and had already gone to sleep. I still wonder if that was me knowing something would eventually happen to you.

Elijah made something for you in school on Friday. I was going through his folder today and he got really excited and he said that he made it for you, in both your favorite colors. One side of the heart is blue for him and the other side is red for you. He put it right beside your urn for you. It’s the little things like that, that absolutely tear me apart.

I wish I had an answer for something. I wish that this wasn’t the way my life turned out. I wish I could show up every second for your siblings, but sometimes it’s just difficult and I want to disappear. I was crying a lot today and they kind of stuck around me a little more to make sure I was “okay”. I know I do my best for them, but losing you has caused my “best” to not be where it once was.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. I miss you more than anything in the entire world. I wish I could see you again. Goodnight and sweet dreams.