My baby boy,

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I haven’t met with her since August, so it’s been a little while. I’ve been asked about upping my medicine since about two months after we lost you. Once we lost you, I got out on another anxiety medicine to go with the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine that I was already on. I kept being asked as time went on if I wanted to “try a larger dosage”, but I kept saying, “no”. I had lost a child after everything else in my life had fallen apart, medicine was only going to help so much.

I gave in today and told her we can change it a little. I told her how I get so anxious that I just shut down, how I don’t sleep, and it’s just been really bad. She told me that maybe the medicine will help me enough that I stop feeling the need to shut down. If I don’t like how I feel, I just go back to what I was doing before.

It seems like a lost cause at this point. I used to be a person who never wanted to take anxiety medication, then when I finally gave in I saw the difference and appreciated it, but now I’m not. To be honest, if I wasn’t on the medicine things would probably be a lot worse for me than they are now, which I can’t even comprehend.

I have therapy tomorrow. Isaiah, I’m losing my strength. Elijah and I were in your room today making Lego figurines to shoot with a Nerf gun and I was just crying the whole time. I kept hearing the sound of the Legos being moved in the container and that’s what we always heard when you were in your room. While making figurines, I kept looking at ones that were together and wondering if you had been the one to put any of those together.

I love you so much, baby boy. Life without you is so dark. Goodnight and sweet dreams.