Hi my baby,
When I was younger, even high school and college, I always thought adults knew everything. They had it all figured out and it’ll be smooth sailing through whatever happens. As I started to get older I realized how incredibly wrong I was. Every birthday of mine that has passed I’m always like “and I still have no idea what is going on in my life”. Just when you think you may have it somewhat figured out, life happens. Everything that has happened in my life the last seven months was never in my plan. It was never even an option of what “could” happen in my future. Instead, life decided to surprise me and really put to the test how much one person can handle.
I went running tonight to try and clear my head. A bunch of your songs came on and I listened to them all during it. I hear Push by Matchbox 20, Bad Gru Rising from Despicable Me, and that Bad Feeling Oompa Loompa song. They all brought a small smile to my face. You guys were always my running buddies when you were younger. You were even stuck being the oldest child I was running with and sitting on the footrest part of the double stroller. At points, that stroller was really heavy with three children in it. It didn’t matter if I needed a break, you and Ellie would always ask me why I was no longer running or telling me I needed to go faster if I took a second to walk and catch my breath. Then there were the Covid days in Missouri. I would put Elijah and Lucas in the stroller and you and Ellie would ride your bikes. You and Ellie hated it. It was only four miles, but you guys were never happy about it. A few times you took your helmet off at the halfway mark, got off your bike, and sat there in protest. I thank you for always doing it though, even though you guys technically didn’t have a choice. That was the only way I could possibly get my running in.
Elijah had a really rough day with missing you. I can only imagine how difficult this is for him since he’s only five. He built a torpedo this morning out of legos, threw it on the floor not thinking it would break, it broke apart, and he lost a piece. He just broke down and cried for about forty-five minutes straight about missing you. He said the only one that could help him rebuild his creation was you. I think that’s what he really misses. You always built with him. You and Elijah are very similar. The other day he was talking in the car and his voice sounded exactly like yours did when you were younger. He tries to hold in a lot of his crying, I don’t know why. I told him I’ve cried every day since this happened and it’s okay. He said the only thing that would make him happy was you coming back. Elijah said he wished you had a phone and I had your phone number so we could just call you. “Isaiah, what’s your favorite movie? And what’s your favorite video game? I love you and I’m so sad that you missed my birthday. And bye.”, from Elijah.
It’s not that I am in denial that you’re gone. I very much know you are. However, it’s like my mind can’t fully process everything. Earlier today I was thinking to myself that it’s just like you’re not home for a little. Maybe you went to a camp? This can’t be it. So that’s very confusing to try and figure out. It’s not denial, but I feel like I’m not comprehending never seeing you again. Daddy and I both desperately need to hear from you. It doesn’t help that nobody in this house sleeps anymore. Maybe you haven’t gotten the chance since we aren’t asleep much.
I love and miss you so much, baby. You had such an amazing future ahead of you. Thank you and your siblings for showing me how much I can love someone. I asked all your siblings last night if they knew how much I loved them. They said “of course” and asked why I was asking. I told them if they knew, you probably knew too. Ellie told me something along the lines of “of course he knew, you tell us all the time”. It gave me a sense of peace. Just in case you needed to hear it again though, I love you more than anything baby. Keep watching over us.