Isaiah,

What the heck am I supposed to do? I miss you so much and there are just days where I wake up and want nothing to do with anything. I just want this nightmare to end. I want you back home with us. I want my entire family together.

Elijah had a dream about you last night. He said he went up to heaven and went to the library to get two books for you. Then you guys went and got stuffed crust pizza at Papa John’s after. He said you told him that you loved him. After Elijah told me about the dream he said, “I’m so glad Isaiah remembers me” and then started to cry. He is very much afraid that you’ll forget about him completely. Yesterday, Lucas sat outside and listened to messages you recorded and sent to me on your gizmo app. Most of them use the crazy things that changes your voice, but some didn’t. Lucas sat outside replaying them for about twenty-five minutes and was just smiling the whole time. Ellie keeps having flashbacks to the beach. She can mentally picture everything that was happening and what everything looked like. She couldn’t find her necklace with your ashes in it this morning. She started to panic and got really upset thinking she “lost you”. It was right downstairs though, not lost.

At Target, I saw the new Dog Man book you asked to get. I had said “no” at the time because we were getting ready to move and I was watching every cent that we spent. I’m sorry. I went ahead and bought it. I will be reading it out loud to you in your room over the next few days. I probably won’t finish it in a day like you did, but I will read it. It also looked like there was a new Cat Kid Comic Club. Don’t worry, I will get that one too. I asked Elijah if he wanted me to read the Dog Man book to him yesterday, but he wanted his own books. So instead, Elijah went and got about seven of his own books and we read them in your room. If I was ever reading to the younger ones, you would come and listen. You didn’t care what it was, you were always over there.

In this grief today I spent half the day in bed. Daddy took your siblings out and I wanted nothing to do with anything. I did a lot of crying, a little cleaning, but was mostly unproductive the whole day. I don’t know how this all works. I wish I would have asked some of the parents yesterday. What do you do when you’re so sad that you don’t want to move? Am I supposed to give myself the grace to do nothing all day? Am I supposed to have a little list of just a few things I want to get done that day and try to do those and not care if nothing else gets accomplished? Am I supposed to be on top of everything? I honestly don’t think that last one is even possible. Doing that would be acting like nothing happened and our family wasn’t permanently broken apart. I’ve read two books, a bunch of articles, and went to a grief group. However, I don’t feel any more prepared or capable of going through this. People have asked me what I need. I don’t know what I need. What I really need is my son back. I need my Isaiah Joseph back home with us.

I had this weird illusion that I had some control over my life. I would have kids, watch you grow up, you’d graduate, go on to do whatever you were interested in, maybe get married, maybe have kids. I remember promising you that I would always be super nice to anyone that you guys would date. Then life comes along with a big f-you and takes you away from me, without a warning. It took you away the first day of summer vacation. It took you away a month and a half before your birthday. It took you away without any of us being able to be holding you or telling you we loved you as you lost consciousness. When looking back at all my pictures and videos, I’m grateful of all the memories I have with you. You were a mama’s boy and I know you loved me. I just want to whisper in your ear “I love you” one more time while you’re sleeping.

We aren’t the first people to lose a child and unfortunately we aren’t even close to the last. I’m still in that “what if” place. I’ve gone through every little thing from that day. I’ve even done the “what ifs” from things that happened years ago. I just don’t know what the hell I am doing. I wanted to ask that yesterday at the meeting. What the f am I supposed to do? I didn’t know how that would go over, but that’s where I am. We are just on this island and need to “figure it out”.

We love and miss you so much baby. I heard a message you sent me on your gizmo watch from a week before everything happened. You sand “mommy I love you” to the tune of Peaches from the Mario movie. I will cherish that. I’m going to find a way to make you proud, baby. I love you. I miss you. I would give anything to have you back.