Hi sweetie,

Today was emotionally exhausting, yet again. I went to a grief group today with people who have all lost children. They meet once a month and the first one I missed because it was the day after we came home. I never like asking for help for things I think I should be able to do (i.e. cleaning, cooking, keeping my sanity), but if I know there’s no way I would know it..I will ask for help in a second. I wanted to talk and hear from these people who’ve already gone through this. Want to know what I learned? This feeling never goes away. I didn’t think it did, but this early on I’m still not thinking clearly. My brain doesn’t seem like it works like it used to. It was two and a half hours of me crying and talking or me crying while listening to other people talk. I did ask them about how they deal with telling strangers and not “leaving you out” of a conversation. One woman said if it’s a stranger and she thinks it’ll just make her day worse having to go through it all, she doesn’t say anything. She said she knows she carries her daughter with her at all times and she’s not “betraying” her or forgetting about her. Instead, she’s saving herself an emotional situation she doesn’t need to deal with. That might take a little to get comfortable with. I’m still not completely okay with that, but we will see. Another woman said she stopped worrying about making others feel uncomfortable. If she needs to cry, she cries. That’s comforting considering I’m constantly crying. I also learned that the “numb” feeling can last much longer than I thought. I thought it was odd that I honestly don’t feel anything. I am sad and upset, but I am just here. I am just in pure survival mode. The one woman said it lasted her the entire first year. One woman who was there recently lost her brother. She talked about how everyone is always asking how her parents are doing, but never her. I’ve had quite a few people ask how your siblings are holding up, but I don’t know if anyone has asked them directly. I talk with them very openly about how I feel and how they feel with everything. We are navigating this hell together. Overall, it was a good learning experience. I will be going back every month.

I can still feel how it felt to hold your hand. I think 95% of the time at the hospital I was sitting there/lying there and holding your hand. It’s a comforting feeling. I took your lock of hair I cut off out of the bag again yesterday and just ran my fingers through it. If I close my eyes when I do it I can almost picture running my fingers through your hair. One special moment I had in the hospital was one of our last nights. One of the nurses asked if I wanted to help give you a bath. I was so thankful for that. It’s like I still got to take care of you. It also reminded me of those infant days when you were in your little baby tub and I did the same thing. I’m glad she asked if I wanted to help. I never thought of asking, I didn’t think I would be able to.

I am just in awe of the person you were and so lucky that you were my son. You taught me so much and constantly impressed me with how you handled different situations. You were more sure of yourself and more emotionally intelligent than most adults that I know. It’s amazing. I know I raised you, but I don’t take any credit for the person you were.

There are days when my mind is just done working and I think today is one of them. Daddy says he doesn’t “feel” you with him and neither do I. I hope that changes. I still feel so far away and separate from you. I’m always asking for signs, but I think I’m just too desperate to see them. I want these obvious signs..pretty much you appear in my dreams and tell me you’re alright, that you love me, and you’re safe and happy. Maybe you and Uncle Jim are up there trading hobbies? He’s teaching you how to make stained glass and you’re showing him your Lego skills. Maybe you’re being a big brother and teaching all your soccer skills to the baby we lost? I’m sure you won’t put them through all those drills that daddy made you do. You never liked the drills, you just wanted to play. Maybe you’re talking to all your extended family that you only met a few times? They’re telling you how much you’ve grown and how when they saw you that you were just a little baby. I’m sure you are just having pizza all the time.

I’m sorry I’m just “blah” today. I can’t string any thoughts together. I also think I’m getting sick so I’m physically worn down too. I will continue to talk to you all the time if you’re listening. Maybe just send me an obvious sign and take some of the work of actually paying attention away from me. I love and miss you more than anything, baby. You are part of me, part of my world, and that will never change. Goodnight and sweet dreams baby. I love you so much.