Isaiah Joseph,

Losing a child has these unexpected side effects that slowly creep into different aspects of my life, that I would never notice had the situation never come up.

Lucas is the Star Student this week and his board got sent home the last day of school before break. Not surprisingly, we waited until today to put that board together. I needed to print off a few pictures for Lucas, but found myself printing off twenty-five different pictures to go with the other three he already had for his board.

While looking through the pictures, I made sure I wanted to capture pictures that really show who Lucas is. I also wanted to go back and get ones that had memories associated with them. I chose a picture with you, Ellie, and Lucas in front of Gma’s Christmas tree the Christmas daddy got deployed to the border. He still brings his daddy doll to school every single day so I thought that was an important one. I included the picture where you and your brothers went to Target and got the “bumpy bellies” team, one of Lucas wearing daddy’s Army uniform, one on the rock you guys always took a picture on at Kolekole, and one that we just took this past December where we made the gingerbread house in remembrance of you.

I squeezed every picture that I could onto this board, not wanting to leave anything important out. Lucas made a comment on how his board had way more pictures than any of the other kids who already did their board. If we hadn’t lost you, I wouldn’t have worried about how much I put on the board and what was included. I would have probably just asked him to pick a few pictures and put them on there. It feels very important for me to let Lucas’ class know all about him, some of his best memories, and everything there is to know.

These kids are in second grade, I know I’m thinking way too much into this. I just feel this need to let his class know about him and about the role you played in his life. Lucas made a comment while we were putting it together, hoping that a certain kid in his class wouldn’t ask him which of his brothers in the pictures passed away. He said it would make him cry and didn’t want to answer. I’m going to see him present him board, so I told him that if that question comes up I would answer it so he didn’t have to.

While looking through my pictures, I came across a picture of you, me, and Ellie hiking. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen this picture before, or it had been a very long time and I didn’t remember. You’re squeezing my arm and laying your head on my shoulder. When I look at it, it’s like I can feel you doing it. I printed myself a copy and will frame it right away. Each and every day just seems to come with its obstacles related to losing you.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.