My Isaiah Joseph,

We definitely got snow today. I’m not sure what the final amount is, but it’s definitely the most your siblings have ever seen and probably the most they’ll see for a while.

We went outside and tried to ride on the sleds down the hill by the trail, but there was too much snow. We couldn’t get it packed down enough to get the saucers and sled to go down more than a few feet at a time. The snow was also sitting on top of ice, so as I tried to push your siblings down the hill I kept falling on the hill. I probably should have bought the snow tubes before this snow, but it is what it is. Maybe we will have better luck out there tomorrow.

I attempted to shovel the driveway this afternoon and got about half of it done. Of course since then, it all got covered again. While I was out shoveling the driveway, I just got angry. It was one of those times where I was just looking around at the whole situation and was annoyed at life. I was mad at the world that I was outside shoveling everything alone because you were taken away from me. There’s no doubt in my mind that your size and strength would have been beneficial for shoveling snow and that your kind heart would just be outside helping me. Instead, I’m left here all alone to get it done by myself because I lost you and other choices that weren’t mine.

Lucas wore your yellow long sleeved minion pajamas to bed tonight. You wore them all the time in Virginia and it’s odd to see him in them now. I still have that bin of clothes just opened up in the garage of the last clothes you had hanging up in your closet. I never even put the lid back on, even though I opened it up and tried to look through it about three months ago? There are some shirts I don’t think I can let him or Elijah wear, but at the same time I want to see them in your clothes, too.

Baby boy, I wish you were here and maybe my life would make a little more sense again. I wish you were here and your siblings could feel whole. I wish you were here and I could be watching you go after the things you’re passionate in and spreading your kindness to everyone around.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.