Baby boy,

We spent the day inside and plan on doing the same thing tomorrow. It’s freezing and I have no reason to go and venture out so in the house we’ll stay. Your siblings have a remote day tomorrow so it’ll be a slightly hectic few random hours of getting them into their classes and speech. Luckily, once Ellie starts her day, she is pretty much good to go on her own.

I had therapy today and we discussed a few different things. One of the first things she asked me about was my thoughts on the “coping box” and where I was on that idea. I told her I was completely in and had gotten a few things for it. I told her, however, that I was struggling with the box itself. I told her how I bought a Valentine’s Day box from Target, but wasn’t completely satisfied because of the hole on top. I then told her that Lucas had looked at it while it was in the van, tossed it into the trunk, and it got kind of dented and smushed a little. I told her it was still usable, but I didn’t want to use it because it wasn’t in pristine condition. She suggested that maybe I could use a shoebox or Amazon box if I had one, but I told her that wasn’t an option. I wanted to start with a white box since I was going to paint it and any box I had lying around the house was going to be in “used” shape. I then told her I was also struggling with painting it because I don’t know what to paint on it, but I want it to be perfect so I’m waiting to figure that out.

She let out a little laugh and told me we were at our first problem. I explained to her how I do this in so many aspects of my life. I hold off on doing things because I want them to be perfect and the timelines for it get pushed back substantially or some of the things don’t happen at all. The problem is, I’m fully aware that I’m doing this and how ridiculous it seems. I know the things I’m worrying about don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I have trouble changing it.

I told her about how you and Lucas drew pictures on the side of the van with rocks. I told her I didn’t care at all and it didn’t bug me, so what did that mean? She said it’s because I allow you guys to make mistakes and not myself.

She explained to me that I have this idea that if I have something or make something that’s “perfect”, then things will be perfect. Maybe that’s true? As I look further into different things that I do, I think I do follow that mindset. To help break this horrible cycle, she told me my first job is to just paint the dented Valentine’s Day box I bought. I don’t have to know what I’m going to paint on it, just paint it, and deal with the fact that it’s not perfect. I’m going to try and paint it tomorrow, I did not want to dig through the snow to get into the van to get the box today.

I then talked to my therapist about the Why I Love Being Your Mom book I started filling out the other day. I told her my different worries about it, including the fact that I’ve actually forgotten things about you and what if I can’t fill the entire book out. I also worry if I put too generalized answers, like about your kindness or intelligence that it seems like it could be for anyone and I didn’t even know you. I told her how I remember a lot, but the memories I can really put into words are the ones that happened right before we lost you. Apparently because something traumatic happened to you and my brain knew there wouldn’t be any new memories of you, it really hung on to the last ones I had of you.

As usual, it’s something I’m telling myself and not something that’s actually happening. I could and will never forget about you, it’s literally impossible. It’s just this fear that I have, so that’s what I’m telling myself.

Did you hear me crying yesterday while I was shoveling the snow or take note when you read my letter last night? While we were sitting at the dining room table doing work, Ellie made a comment about how there was a stranger in the driveway earlier. I was extremely confused, but looked outside to see that someone came and cleared our driveway while I was in my room on my therapy call. Maybe you helped that happen? I baked them some banana bread and brought it over as a huge “thank you”.

Lucas wants you to know that he planted and grew wrapped fungus tonight in Minecraft. They spent quite a while trying to figure out exactly how to do it, but he was very proud of himself and wanted you to know.

I love you more than anything in the world, sweetie. Please watch over us and visit one of us soon. Goodnight and sweet dreams.