My baby boy,

Beenie came over today and it was a nice little “break”. Elijah showed her all his Lego builds from the past few months and had us playing Disney Apples to Apples.

I told Beenie how that Apples to Apples game really evolved over the years because when we first got it, Ellie was the only reader and now Elijah’s reading the cards. I’ve actually been thinking about taking out Bananagrams Jr. for Elijah and Lucas. That was always a huge favorite with you.

It was your pick tonight and it was between Despicable Me 4 and Lilo and Stitch live-action movie, neither of which you were around to see. We ended up watching Despicable Me 4 because Lucas said Lilo and Stitch was too sad and he didn’t want to see it.

I put the movie on and it brought me back to the first month after we lost you, that’s when we went to see the movie. We went to see it because just two weeks prior to the “event”, we went to the movies and you talked about how excited you were to see it. I think this is just where I’m currently at in my feelings and it’s just going to be a rougher patch for however long.

When we moved, I lost track of the external hard drive with all our pictures on it. I know it’s somewhere, I took it on the plane with us because I didn’t want to risk the movers losing it. However, I don’t know where it is and it’s stressing me out. I haven’t looked for it much, though, with the fear that I won’t actually be able to find it. It’s like I want to live in this blissfully ignorant world where I wonder where it is, but pretend it has to be somewhere, so I’m not faced with the possibility I have no idea where it is. Does that make sense to you? To be honest, it probably doesn’t.

My bedroom has lost its sense of “peace” and I’m not sure why. We are coming up on a year of being here, maybe it’s just the reality of knowing that my sleep will be horrible no matter where I am. Perhaps I’ve just given up the hope that I will be able to sleep in there and now that’s why it makes me anxious.

Baby boy, I’m an absolute mess, I have no issue admitting that. I love you more than anything in the world. Goodnight and sweet dreams.