Baby boy,

Your brothers and I are currently watching Pink Panther for Lucas’ pick. During this episode, there was something called “Pickle Power Extreme” and Lucas got really excited and remembered that you guys played a game and named it that. Apparently you’d set up the triangles from the nuggets on the floor and would try to run across them without falling “in”. Whenever you guys would need a break and drink some water, you pretended it was pickle juice.

I remember seeing this game many times in Hawaii, because I always thought someone was going to get hurt. You guys were doing it on a hard floor, trying to balance on pieces of foam as you ran, and racing each other at the same time, which is a recipe for disaster. I loved how you guys played together and the creativity that you had to entertain yourselves. You seemed to be the mastermind behind most of the made up games.

After spending so long trying to find therapists for your siblings, it wasn’t very successful. For whatever reason, the insurance denied Elijah and he can’t go see the therapist. Ellie and Lucas got accepted, but that therapist will only see one of the, not both of them. Ellie’s been the one asking for a therapist, so she is the one that is going to the appointment on Friday. Ellie has a lot going on in general, so I figured that it’ll be helpful.

While I was writing you this letter, I got an email from the sibling bereavement group about an event they’re having at the end of March. It’s being held somewhere with all these different rope courses and they’ll have some kind of memorial event set up there for afterwards. I, of course, signed us up for it because I swear I take nearly every opportunity that’s given to us to help grieve you. Elijah and Lucas actually got really excited after I told them and said something alone the lines of it being a more extreme version of Pickle Power Extreme.

You manage to make your way into our every day and I’m thankful for that. I just need to learn to look for the signs more. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.