Isaiah Joseph,

I need to find better ways to navigate this that aren’t trying to just shut my brain off from everything. I’m just constantly exhausted.

I’m hoping that when your siblings get older, maybe they can go back and read the letters I wrote to you. I hope it’ll help keep the memories alive of all the things they did with you and I hope maybe it can help them process things more as they get older. I’m not sure what trauma they will take from all of this, but I’m hoping the letters can help them maybe understand some of it or work through your loss or even things that happened after we lost you.

I was looking at Lucas and Elijah tonight as they were getting ready for bed and thought how Lucas is almost your age before we lost you and Elijah is Lucas’ age. You seemed so much older and I don’t know why. Maybe it was because you were the oldest boy, maybe it was your personality differences between you and Lucas, maybe it was also just how tall you were.

I’ve got to figure out how to effectively function every single day or at least the majority of the time. I feel like when I shut down and start to shut the world out, things really get dark and nothing gets accomplished.

I love you more than anything in the world. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my sweet boy.