My sweet boy,

As you know, we went to the zoo today. Before we went, I was struggling with asking you for a sign that you were with us. I didn’t want to ask and not get it, but also didn’t think I should ask since it was right before we left the house. We had no plans on going to the zoo until this morning when Elijah asked, so it was all last minute. I reluctantly asked for you to have an animal come up and touch the glass.

I’m second-guessing everything as always, but there were a few. The one monkey kept walking around the windows and then laid down and started posing. It was actually hilarious and Lucas made a comment that he looked like he was trying to be “Rose from Titanic”, even though we fast forwarded through that part. Then there was the cheetah who was right at the glass walking back and forth. However, the one that really made me wonder was the sea turtle who I swear looked straight into my eyes.

I feel like I’m crazy when I say things like that or talk about it. Of course there were animals closer sometimes, we were at the zoo. The sea turtle was there for rehabilitation because air collected in his gut prevented him from really being able to swim in the water and he had to stay closer to the top. Maybe he looked at me just because that was the little bit he could move and I was standing there longer. Regardless, I did thank you for the signs in case it was you. I’m sorry I ask for things and then question them. I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating for you, but you know your mom.

I took your book bag with us to the zoo. I haven’t used it since we were in Hawaii when I always took it to the beach with me. It was actually still sitting down in a bin in the garage from when it got sent on the airplane. I found the cards that I had started and never finished for some people and two notebooks. I always brought a notebook to the beach, but never wrote in it judging by the pages. In the one notebook, I found a list of how daddy and I were going to divide things up before we moved, including your belongings.

In one of the other notebooks, I found a list of the places I wanted to go before we moved. The thing that stood out about this list was that I immediately knew it was a list I made before we lost you. I made the plans that we were going to be moving in March of 2024 once your school year was over. I had so many places I wanted to see before we left that June, broke it down by category, and was optimistic about the future. It actually really hurt seeing that list because I remember how hopeful I was for my future.

I was going to move back to Pittsburgh with the four of you and we were going to take on the world. However, when we moved back after losing you it’s just seemed like a sort of “survive” and there’s no future that we are moving towards. I’m pretty sure I’m missing aspects of your siblings lives because of my mental health. I don’t take pictures, really at all. I also told daddy how I don’t do videos of us singing Happy Birthday and send them to people anymore. I’m not going to just do that and act like it’s okay that you aren’t there.

I feel like I’m rambling now, but the day just took an emotional turn after the sea turtle at the zoo. I miss looking forward to a future and what it could hold.

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.