Isaiah Joseph,

Remember how I used to take your socks and shoes off when you were just toddlers and with each one I would yell, “free the tooties!”? I had completely forgotten about that, which is surprising because I did it for seven straight years. I loved when you guys got older and would start to take your socks and shoes off yourself, while attempting to yell out your own version of our saying.

Lucas wore your Antonio Brown Steeler’s shirt I got you at the thrift shop when you started loving the Steelers, just to annoy daddy. When you first got that shirt, it was huge on you, but you wore it all the time for years. It was weird looking at Lucas wearing it. I feel like I’m being selfish because I’m so worried about keeping all the things attached to you “safe” that I worry about the boys wearing your clothes. However, I can only imagine how much closer they would feel to you wearing one of your shirts that they knew you wore all the time. Elijah wanted to wear a hat yesterday and grabbed the hat from your room that Uncle Brandon gave you and you treasured. He wore it in the car, but took it off when we got to the zoo and left it in the car because he was worried he would lose it.

We are creeping closer to May and I don’t think I am ready for it. I’m probably going to throw myself into your park get together as a way to distract myself and after it I will crash, just like last year. It’ll be Lucas surpassing you in days on this Earth, then two years of you being gone, then Elijah’s birthday, then Lucas reaching an age that you didn’t make it to, and then your birthday all in that less than two month span.

I got the opportunity to help coach Elijah’s soccer team and I’m going to take it. I’ve coached your soccer team, Lucas’ soccer team, and Ellie’s track team. After moving away from the military installations, I didn’t think I would get the chance to coach Elijah at all. On the military bases, recreation sports were definitely recreation, but here they seem to be taken a little more seriously. I didn’t want to get involved with all that, so I said I would just parent. However, we got an email last night saying their team needs a coach and another mom already volunteered to help. Being able to “coach” with another woman was the selling point. In Missouri, one of the dad’s asked if I knew what I was talking about with coaching track. I had to explain my background and my own performances to make him comfortable enough to let me coach his sons.

I miss you more than anything, my baby boy. I love you so much, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.