My sweet boy,

Lucas said something today that hurt to hear, but I think I understood what he was trying to say to me regarding the subject. Out of nowhere, when we came home from school, he said, “mom, why am I starting to forget about Isaiah?”.

I called him into my room to try and get a better idea of what he was talking about. At first I thought that maybe he’s worried because he’s forgetting your voice or something like that, but it wasn’t. Instead, it seems like Lucas has adapted to our new “normal” of you not being here and that kind of bothers him. I knew exactly what he was trying to say, but it’s hard for me to put the explanation into words for someone else. Why should this “new normal” ever feel normal? It’s difficult to even try to understand it myself, but I will talk to his school counselor tomorrow and see if he can meet with him.

Daddy flew to the Philippines tonight for work, but Lucas hasn’t handled it well. He’s terrified that something will happen to daddy’s plane and cannot calm his thoughts. He asked me, “mom, if dad’s plane crashes can I just kill myself?”.

This is so hard, baby boy. I love you more than anything in the world. Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby.