Hi my baby,

I’m in a weird place right now. On Saturday night at the Christmas party, a lady was there that I met at the first event I went to back in August. When I met her at the event, we sat next to each other and I pretty much completely lost it the whole time. Whether I was talking about you to her, thinking about you, or listening to her story, I was crying. On Saturday evening, she recognized me from the necklace event. I was helping Elijah make his memorial ornament at the table she was at with her daughter. She told me I looked like I was “in a better place”. It wasn’t those exact words, but that’s what she was trying to portray. I got exactly what she was saying, but it set off an alarm bell in my mind.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but that comment set off these alarm bells in my head that maybe that means I didn’t love you as much. In no rational world does that make sense, but I don’t know how to handle the “better days”.

I still can’t go back and read what I wrote the first days and weeks after you passed. I can’t go back to that place. I’m scared to even remember the darkness of that place. It’s still dark, but I’m able to enjoy the little moments now. I’m able to talk about happy memories of you without automatically breaking down. I know there’s a future now. I don’t necessarily know what that entails, but I saw nothing before. When I lost you, my world collapsed. All my future plans for and with you got erased within a matter of minutes.

I’m going to talk to some people tomorrow who have been in this place. I just want to know this immense guilt is normal. Is it just a phase of grief that I have to feel and work through? My therapist always tells me I keep trying to fix things. Is this something that needs fixed? Or is this just another thing you have to deal with when losing a child?

Isaiah, I hope you know how much I loved and still love you. I just want to feel that love when I think about you. I want to feel that love when I look at pictures. I don’t want to keep having to ask myself why the heck this ever happened.

You changed my life and taught me so much while you were here and now you’re teaching me more about myself now that you’re gone. I know that you know I love you, but just know that I love you more than anything. You are forever my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams, sweetie.