Hi my baby,
Lucas is currently crying himself to sleep on the top bunk. I’m down on Elijah’s bed, listening to him complain about all the noise. Lucas heard a sad instrumental song and he’s just losing it over missing you. No matter what I say or do when this happens helps him. I can’t get him to calm down, I usually have to wait till he’s just so tired that he falls asleep. Elijah is one to talk because he talked to me the other night about “deep sea creatures”, their life expectancy, and diets until 9:30pm the other night. He’s been discussing with me the many stories kids in his class have told him, which include a classmate living at the North Pole and one who lives with Santa here in Hawaii.
We went to the coffee farm this afternoon and I let your siblings get drinks. We sat at one of the tables in the back. I just took it all in, being there with them, you not being there, but picturing you and remembering you there with us. You got so excited when we went anywhere and you guys got something to eat or drink. It would manage to make any day exciting.
I had therapy today, where I spent about an hour talking about how I have no idea what I’m doing in my life. I’m trying to grieve two losses at once and I can’t even figure out how to deal with that. I told her how I wish that we would do more “things” instead of just staying home so much. From my position, I’m looking at what other families are doing and comparing ours to theirs. Other people have weekly family nights, picnics at the beach, and about a thousand other things I can make up and say that other people do and we don’t. I understand we are going through it right now. Life has been unfair and harsh over the last few months. I kept waiting for the “break” and then the universe took you away. I’m struggling. How am I supposed to be navigating through life right now? My therapist says I’m doing exactly what I need to do, but it seems like I need to do so much more. It’s not “good” that I take your siblings to grief groups, it’s my responsibility as your mom. Apparently I am too focused on “should” statements and that’s not good. I’ve done that all my life, I don’t know any other way, so it’s kind of hard to break it. I’ve always just powered through everything because I thought I was supposed to. Do I realize that looking at what people are doing on social media and thinking I’m a bad mom for not doing those things is productive? Absolutely. Do I realize it’s absolutely ridiculous with what we have been through? Definitely. It’s easier to tell myself the way I’m thinking is ridiculous, but not change a thing than to make those changes.
I kind of wish you were here to tell me what to do. You were only eight, but you probably would have had some pretty amazing ideas. Pizza every night for a year? Buy and build every single Lego set imaginable? Make a cake like on the show Is it Cake and fail miserably? Ours would be more like Nailed It. I just feel like you’d have the answer to how to try and cope with your loss. Even if you didn’t have an idea, you’d have a huge hug to give me. You are nothing short of amazing and I miss you every second of every day, including when I sleep. I love you so much, my baby. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.