Hi sweetie,

I don’t know how I could have been so naive. Maybe naive isn’t even the word I’m looking for, maybe I was actually being delusional. After yesterday and how I felt, I was excited going into today. Just maybe, today would be another good day. It wasn’t. Instead, I was just down and sad about missing you. Every time I walk past your empty bedroom I stop for a minute just to stare at your empty bed and all the stuffed animals. I can just picture you sitting on your bed, looking up at me when I walk past, and tell me you’re bored. Perhaps not that you’re bored, but maybe what’s for dinner, maybe asking what we are doing today, or if you can play video games. It’s a stinging feeling picturing you in there and then realizing I will never have that again.

I know that I lost my child and I’m just going to feel “happy” like I was before. My “happy” meant that I had all four of my children and they were all happy and healthy. Once I realized that you guys were the one thing I really needed and I had, I realized nothing else mattered. So this morning when I thought today might be a better day again, I just don’t think I’ve come to the realization of my new life. This roller coaster of grief isn’t going to stop, so I need to learn how to ride it. Instead, as soon as the sad and depressing times comes I go even deeper into being upset and sad. I’m upset that I’m so upset, I’m upset that I thought it would be different as in better, and I’m upset that I thought it would be different and I wouldn’t be “as sad” anymore. I don’t think there will ever be degrees of the sadness. It’s not something that I can say, “oh, once this happens it’ll all be good”. Time doesn’t heal all. Nothing can “heal” this. I feel like I’m learning so much every single day, but also have no idea what the hell is going on with my life. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, what direction I should be moving, or even what appointments are what day. It’s like I have a million questions constantly in my head that have no answers. All the while, I’m crying like a baby.

I went to a painting thing again last night. Normally, I would have felt weird going to a paint and sip by myself. For the second time in a row, I was the only person there without a group. Before I would have wanted to do it, but wouldn’t go if I couldn’t find anyone to go with me. Now, if I want to go I’m going to go. If I think it can bring me any sense of happiness/comfort/relief, I’m going to take it. We painted surf boards. The thing I love about this class is when I come back and show your siblings, they literally think I am the most amazing artist ever. They hype me up so much when I show them that I can’t help but to smile. The plus is that they weren’t at the class to see how much better everyone else’s painting was. I also like that I have more memories from this beautiful place.

I was going through my “Remind” app that has been used/ignored for years because there’s fifty thousand conversations and it’s all dealing with cancelled practices, announcements from schools you guys never actually attended, and old things from teachers. I went through and found some pictures from your summer school month before you started first grade and you had Miss Carr. You really liked her. I know you remember your first day also known as my screw up. You were so excited because Covid took you out of your last three months of preschool and then we did a year of homeschool because I didn’t want to send you to kindergarten yet with your late birthday. It had been so long and you were eager to get back to school and meeting kids your age. I got you and Ellie both ready, drove across post because it wasn’t at Thayer that year, and took a picture as we were walking up to the school.

I thought we were early, where were all the cars? I tried to open the front door, but it was locked. The secretary came to the door and asked what we needed and I asked if we were too early. We were too early, by an entire day. I thought it started that Monday, but it wasn’t starting till Tuesday. You were so letdown that you started crying. I felt so bad. I think I ended up taking you guys to get ice cream at Culver’s or that snow cone place that was in the PX parking lot. It’s funny to see that not much has changed with me and I still don’t know exactly what is going on.

I could use a big and sweaty hug from you right now. You’d probably be as tall as Abuela now, you were only one inch off. I hope to get answers from your autopsy soon, but it could be another three months. I just want to “know” what happened. It won’t make it any better, but at least there will be an answer. I love you so much, my baby. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.