Hi sweetie,

Thank you. I dreamt about you last night. You were in my dream and it wasn’t about how upset I was about losing you. Instead, I knew you were gone because at one point I was making sure I had everyone and I had to tell myself everyone was there. I actually got to talk to you though. I heard your voice, I saw your smile, and I remember lying down just inches from your face and telling you how much I love you. The weird part of the dream was where I made a mental note that “this is a dream, but you need to remember this”. It’s like you wanted me to have the chance to tell you that I love you. I’ve asked for that about a million times since we lost you. I am so thankful for that dream and will hold onto it forever.

This is the “closest” I’ve felt to you since everything happened. Today I felt a sort of peace that I haven’t felt since I lost you. There’s been a bunch of times where I question whether or not it was a sign from you, but this one was different. I obviously know I won’t get these signs all the time, but perhaps I will be a little more open to everything.

I’ve read more books this past year than I think I have in the last ten years. Honestly, that’s not something to brag about, but when you have four kids in less than six years there’s not a whole lot of extra time to go around. I started with a bunch of books aimed towards helping improve my mental health last year. Some addressed mom burnout, some were to just teach me that I’m a badass, and some to help me get through the current events that were happening in my life. Since May, I’ve read books on child loss, grief, what happens “after”, and still have to finish the book on what trauma does to your body. However, I got a new book yesterday that is none of those things. I feel like sometimes maybe I need to just give my brain a break. My mind is already on you all day, every day. Sometimes I need a distraction that isn’t dealing with how to get through this impossible time in my life. Plus I read those books to you in the hospital. I’m telling you, this is progress for me.

We went to the beach today, but went farther down from our usual because Ellie said she “hates going to the same old beach every time”. It was beautiful, no surprise there. We also got lucky enough to see probably around twenty sea turtles and a monk seal sleeping on the beach. Elijah said today was “the best beach day”. It was nice and very peaceful.

I was looking through videos again and came across this one. Before having kids, I would have thought this was insane. You’re mad and upset with me because you want pizza and you want to keep the dead bug in a glass of water you have. I know that would make you smile even watching it today. I remember Beenie was appalled the one day because Lilly had put a piece of dog food in her mouth. I had to tell her “it’s fine” and then let her know how you drank out of Apollo’s water dish like a dog and also used a measuring cup to scoop water out of his bowl to drink. Before kids I would have most likely been appalled and judged it, but after I can talk to other parents and just constantly listen to them one up each other with ridiculous stories. I hope you got pizza within a few days of that video and I’m guessing I probably let you keep the dead bug in the water for like a day.

Baby boy, I love you so much. Thank you for my dream. Thank you for helping me. I have such a long way to go, but that made me just a tad more optimistic for the future. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.