My baby,

I’m glad that I fully appreciated yesterday, because today wasn’t good. Today wasn’t an okay day, but I wasn’t angry today. I’ve just been sad since this morning. I had to call the insurance company yet again to make sure they processed the paper they made me send them twice. We are still getting crazy hospital bills because insurance won’t push anything through. Of course they were too busy and will call me back within the next few days. It’s just frustrating. I tried to call the one hospital yesterday about the bill, but I had to leave a message and they’ll call me back in a few days? That situation just started the avalanche of emotions for the rest of the day.

When I’m just sad, I want nothing to do with anything. Physically I feel like there’s just a huge weight sitting on my forehead and there’s a permanent lump in my throat. You would that after a few months that maybe I would be able to figure out what I need for each emotion. However, being that I lost a child just a few months ago, I feel like I’m somewhat entitled to have no idea.

Elijah challenged me to a demolition derby today. You’re probably rolling your eyes hearing that it was his idea, but yes he ended up giving up just like he did every time with you. While he was building, he said, “Isaiah won every time because I always quit”. When he quit tonight, he claimed he was now the “coach”. So the demolition derby was just between Lucas and I. Lucas put his boat car together in about five minutes and was finished. I put a lot of effort into mine, it honestly took me like an hour. I was remembering a lot of your ideas you always did. My car had an extra set of wheels, wheel covers to protect them, things sticking out of the side of the car to cause damage to the opponent, and a lot of reinforced parts. Lucas and Elijah were annoyed I was taking so long so I just said I was done. We set our vehicles out, they went, and mine destroyed Lucas’. I feel like you would have been proud of my build. Maybe it wouldn’t stand a chance against one of your vehicles, but it was a solid attempt for me.

While I was still building and Lucas was waiting for me, he started to look at all your Dog Man and Cat Kid books on your shelf. I think he surprises himself that he can actually read them now. I can still picture you reading your books. For whatever reason, one time in Virginia sticks out. I was trying to get everyone ready and out of the house to get to school on time. You were sitting in the living room, on the couch, and wearing your long sleeved maroon shirt with the dog in a bun. I managed to get you out of the house and into the van, where you continued to read your book until it was time for you to get out of the van at school.

Remember how I used to park and walk you to the front of the school until I got reprimanded that I wasn’t allowed to do that? Umm, for whatever reason, I cried in the van on the way home. I don’t take it well when adults “yell” at me and I loved walking you guys. I explained to the lady that I parked the van because the school pickup line moved way too fast for the pace at which you moved. So after I just waited and would pull to the front of the line before you would get out. Baby, I love you, but you took so long to get out of the car. You were never ready. Sometimes you didn’t have your coat on, sometimes all your stuff wasn’t together in your book bag, and sometimes your shoes wouldn’t be on. It took us approximately ten minutes to drive from our house to the school, yet you would sometimes wait until I stopped the car in the drop-off line to put them on. I know I’ve said this a lot, but this is another way that Elijah is like you. I didn’t notice as much when you were still here because it was both of you moving at the speed of nothing. Now, I will park the car, get out, open the side door, stand there for a minute, and Elijah will still just be sitting there still buckled into his car seat. Neither of you have much of a sense of urgency when leaving a vehicle.

I hope tomorrow is a little better than today, but who knows how it’ll go. I feel like I can tolerate being angry more than sad. When I’m sad I just want nothing to do with anything, while when I’m angry I feel like I at least get a few things accomplished. Here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow. I love and miss you so much, my baby. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.